


Hope

by galileamoriartywatson



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Arthur Ketch Being an Asshole, Dean is an asshole, Dean is tryign to reedem himself, Depression, Divorce, Flashbacks, Hullcinations, Hurt Castiel, Ketch is an asshole, M/M, Married Dean and Cas, Mpreg, Panic Attack, Rape, Rape Recovery, Sexual Assault, Shy Castiel, dick family, sam being then best brother, supportive parents, thoughts of abortion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-06-20 04:58:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15526548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galileamoriartywatson/pseuds/galileamoriartywatson
Summary: "I, Dean, take you Castiel, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part"And just like that, Dean was utterly fucked.





	1. Chapter 1

You think your going to spend your whole life next to the person you sleep with. When you marry someone you vow to love them through sickness and health, for richer, for poorer, to love them and to cherish them, till death do them part. That vow seems to have less of meaning as generations comes. In the 1800s, it was literally till death do them part. Nowadays it's, till one of us looses interest, do us part. It's as if newer generations don't believe in marriage anymore. Or they think they know what really marriage is about but then get disappointed when they discover the truth?

The truth is that when you love someone, you know, you just know. The complication about love is that you can only feel it and cannot ever explain it. Marriage just certifies that strong love, but 50% of the time it only worsen it. People have this concept that once you get married everything changes. Why? That's just so idiotic. Only certain things change, one; titles, two; you're marriage is seen by the government, three; everything that you own now belongs to your partner. But why do people think that the love changes? The more we ponder about this the more idiotic it sounds.

Weddings symbolize love, not a trap. Marriage is about two people that are united by love.

So why is it that 50% of marriages fail?

People can be complicated, and partners want the perfect wife or husband. They expect perfection.

Others don't expect anything, just for love in return. Surprisingly, in a marriage that is also complicated.

Dean Henry Winchester, didn't think it was as complicated as his husband, Castiel James Winchester, thought it to be. Apparently asking for love and loyalty was too much for little ol' Dean to ask. Dean swears to God when he says he doesn't know where his marriage went down hill. They we're fine, no, they were better then fine, they were perfect. Three years into a marriage, both with good paying jobs, a beautiful home on which Castiel design himself. They were even trying for a damn baby.

Now everything is gone...just gone. As if every ounce of dedication that Dean put into his marriage didn't count. He really did thought Castiel loved him, but now he questions it, his so called 'love'.

Was he being played the whole time?

Dean can't picture Cas being this person, he keeps to himself most of the time.

"It's always the quite ones". He remembers his brother Sam saying that about two days after- well that. He didn't put too much thought into it because as of right now, whiskey is his next husband. Whiskey doesn't cheat. He loves whiskey more than anything.

He gleams down at the divorce papers that he had sent to Castiel three days ago, he got them back the day after he sent them. So yeah, it was obvious Castiel was thrilled to be done with him.

He hadn't seen the son of a bitch in two weeks. And that is just perfectly fine with Dean, perfectly fine.

The divorce lawyer talks about arrangements over the house, and money settlement. Dean makes it clear to her that he doesn't want the filthy house nor a cent of Castiel. The lawyer, she's nice and listens as Dean pours himself another glass of whiskey.

"Mr. Winchester, I know that's it's not any of my business, but have you had any contact with your ex-husband?"

"Of course not, I don't want anything to do with him. The thought of him makes me want to die"

She paled lightly, "Well, sir, I just want to inform you that he isn't doing well either. I think he might be ill?"

"Yeah, mentally ill if he thinks I'm going to be manipulated going back to that cheating piece of shit. Listen, whatever he does, whatever he says, don't fall for it. I fell for it ten years ago, and look where is got me"

"Well you see that's another thing, he doesn't really say much. He mostly nods his head", she explains softly.

Dean scuffs, "He has anxiety but don't let him fool you, he has medication. Good one too."

She nodded in understatement, "I comprehend the fact that he is the bad guy in this marriage, from your point of view. I'm on your side, since you are paying me and all, but- I've seen faces of cheaters when they get caught. They beg for the partners to give them another chance. They have that gleam of scum in their eyes. Sir, your ex-husband isn't begging because my psychology degree says that he is terrified. Maybe it's because of the divorce, or something else"

Dean looked at her, "What do you mean something else?"

She swallows and straightens up her back, "You have to see him to believe him"

Dean frowned, he was going to ask what that meant but the alcohol reacted first. "Get the hell out of my hotel room!"

The nice lawyer packed her things up and exited the room, then building. Dean called the agency to send another divorce lawyer. He hoped that this one stuck their nose where is belonged.

Dean went out again,third night in a row. Crazy to think that just two weeks ago he was eight years sober, craziest part is he gave up his best friend for 'the love of his life', Cas. He ain't gonna lie, he was horribly out of control with the booze, but it all took Cas threatening to leave to do the trick. But that was all behind him, and he tries to remember how much he had to love Cas to actually give it up. Although, he does remember why it was hard to quit, drinking is his hobby. For a long time, he thought that would the only thing he would be good at, until Cas came along and told him other wise. Castiel did the one thing his family could never do, listen.

But screw him, two things matter at one in the morning, booze and strippers. And Castiel is neither of those things.

He brought a guy back to his room, he made sure he was the complete opposite of Cas. He had brownish hair, blue eyes, buff, and more loud. Benny even had an accent, said he was from Louisiana. It was different, he had sex with one guy for the last ten years, only now he realized that not everyone likes the same things as Cas. Sex all of a sudden became a new territory.

"Your hubby not treating you right?", Benny asked.

"Huh?"

"The gold ring on your finger only symbolizes one thing, and you my friend are cheating. Why?"

"We're not together, I broke it off"

Benny threw back his head in laughter, "Sure sugar, whatever you say", he rose from the bed and started to gather his clothing.

"Shut up, one night stand"

Benny held his chest, "Oh! That hurt my gayest feelings. Sugar, you can't insult me when you're the one wearing a wedding ring while having a one night stand, claiming that you broke it off. It doesn't work like that", he left right after that.

Dean flinched as he heard the door close, it wasn’t loud, but it was the silence he had to hear once again. Alone is not a good idea for an alcoholic.

Work, he used to enjoy, he's really good at it too. But he hasn't shown up in a week, he decided to take some days off. Dean is absolutely sure that once he sees Ketch in the office, he'll start throwing hands at the son of a bitch. He can’t get fired and he can't quit either, because in the end Ketch can still screw him over. Mr. Ketch agreed to let him 'cool off', he gave him three weeks with pay.

But that isn't enough, a brake from work is just the tip of the ice burg. He needs to make Ketch pay for what he did, of course none of his ideas are legal. Still with an aching head, he falls asleep and dreams of simpler times with Castiel.

 

_"Dean, come look", Castiel waved him to come to the window where he was standing._

_"Holy shit", Dean's eyes grew big as he saw his baby brother making out with some strange girl on the roof of Baby. "Son of a bitch. Sammy!", he stuck out half of his body._

_"Dean, leave him be", Cas patted his ass trying to pull him back, scared that he would fall off._

_"Cas, they are making out on my car, my Baby. You animals!", Dean threw his half empty soda can at them. It didn't land anywhere near them, Sam pulled his hand out of the girl's skirt to flip him off._

_"Yeah well, the whole neighborhood is watching you, this is the suburbs, they'll arrest you. Good luck with the bail money"_

_"Dean!", Cas finally pulled him back from the window, "I don't want you to fall off"_

_Dean grinned, "I'm not gonna fall off, but I am going to prison after I teach Sam a lesson", he steps aside but stopped by his boyfriend._

_"Dean, you have better things to do then be in prison"_

_"You do have a point, and I can think of one thing that I love to do", Dean got a hold of Cas by his waist, carrying him as Castiel wrapped his own legs around Dean. They flopped down on Cas' twin size bed, Dean took advantage of Cas' liberated neck and started kissing his way down to his collarbone._

_"Yeah, well I'm one of those things, but I was thinking of college", he stopped Dean's lips from going any further down so they could meet each other eyes. "Dean you do realize that next semester is your last and you're officially a college graduate", he rolled them over._

_"All thanks to you and no one else"_

_"And you're very welcome", he leaned in easily to Dean and kissed him._ _"Are you going to take that job in Boston"?_

_"Only if you come with me, so that reminds me. Cas, the love of my life, my only reason to live, the light of my dark nights-", he was continuing on with a witty tone._

_"Dean, get on with it or I'm leaving my own room"_

_Dean paused, climbed out of the bed and knelt on one knee, "Will you do me the honor of moving to Boston with me so we can start a new life together?", he went rapid with his words._

_Cas laughed and nodded at the same time, "I do", he jumped into Dean's defenseless body, tackling him to the ground._

_Dean watched as his boyfriend smiled down at him, he took this moments in. His hair was a mess, as usual, he'd been wearing the same pajamas he woke up in, but he looked incredible._

_"What are you looking at?", Cas frowned with a smirk._

_Dean lightly shook his head as he was still mesmerized, "Nothing- just that you look gorgeous"_

_Cas hid himself in a blush, "I look like I just woke up and its- five in the afternoon", he took a little pause too and smiled, "And that's how I know you love me"_

_"Of course I love you. You love me?"_

_"Is geometry my favorite subject?"_

_"You'd die over it"_

_"Then that's your answer", he leaned in again and kissed him at last._

 

Dean work up with tears dripping down, he missed those days. The simpler days. The hopeful days.

 


	2. Chapter 2

"Have you spoken to Cas, like at all?", Sam asked him. The man stormed in at seven in the morning, into Dean's hotel room, bossing him around to take a shower, to eat.

Dean exaggeratedly groaned, "Why, does everyone keep asking me that? I will not, I will never, ever talk to that man again. Get that through your head"

Sam nodded and shrugged, "I just thought it'd be good for you to at least see him once before the divorce goes through. You can at least act like an adult about all this"

Dean sat up from the couch, "I beg your fucking pardon, because it sounds to me like you are taking his side. Last time I checked, you are my brother not his. Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Taking his side!"

Sam barked back, "No Dean, I'm not! But you loved that man, yes he broke your hear but grow the hell up!", he marched out of the room.

"Hell yeah he broke my heart, and how fucking dare you side with him. Traitor!", he yelled at the door. If there was another person staring at him from the corner of the room, they would say he was pathetic. A drunk.

He was suppose to go to work today, well obviously he didn't. Stupid face, Ketch called his brother to 'check up' on him. What a fucking fake, all of them. Sam didn't have to drive across town to get him off his ass, but he did it anyway and he complained. His parents drove up from Kansas, when no one asked them to, and the disappointed look on their faces when they saw the bottle. Damn, the screaming match that went on that day.

_"God dammit, Dean. What in the hell is this?", John threw the pillow off the couch to find a bottle of bourbon. Mary looked back at him in shook._

_"Dean, no, I thought you gave it up. You were clean! What is wrong with you?!", Mary grabbed the same pillow thrown and started smacking Dean around with it._

_"What's wrong with me? My life is a mess. I was in love and it was perfect, I had too easy, mom. Cas, that fucking moron cheated and he fucking killed me", he slumped on the couch and covered his face with his hands. He sniffled and angrily removed his tears._

_"Dean", John knelt down to face him, "Castiel, shouldn't be the reason you are relapsing. Eight solid years sober-"_

_"Dad, I did it because of him, and I'm starting again because of him. Cas broke me", he covered his eyes so he wouldn't have to face his parents._

_"He did not brake you, Dean, you are not broken", Mary sat next to him and removed his hands away from his face, she cradled them into her lap. She placed his head onto her shoulder, "Forget about him"_

_"I can't", he wailed like a child into his mother's arms._

_Dean fell silent for a few minutes, John ordered room service and they had a silent meal after that._

_"Dean, what he did to you, you didn't deserve so don't let him win. You are here breaking down when the guy is probably parading around with your boss, he doesn't give a shit and neither should you", John ranted. He wanted what was best for his son, talking trash about his ex cheating husband is a good choice. Dean did not think so._

_"Dad! Stop talking about him like that", he rubbed his face into his hands. His thoughts contradicted themselves._

_"Dean you just said that the man broke you, how can you defend him", Mary pushed herself a bit from her son._

_Dean stood from the couch and took the bourbon from the table, he took a thirsty swing at it. He faced the window then his parents, no biggie at their faces. "Yes, Cas broke me, he tore me into pieces within a day. But as hard as it is for me to say, I still love him. It's confusing, I know, but he was the love of my life, I can't just hate him for good right away, I love him and I hate him. I will never forgive him but my sorry ass will take him back at the first chance I get." He paused at what he just said. "I'm so fucking screwed", he broke into a frightful sob and landed on his dirty bed._

_"Listen, I understand-", Mary started._

_"Do you?!"_

_Mary hesitated, "No, at least not fully, but what I do know is that going back to that back-stabbing jerk is not good for you"_

_Dean laughed, "You are a hypocrite, both of you are, before all of this you two loved him. Both of you at one point even said that he was good for me, that he- he was greatest thing that ever happened to me"_

_"And you agreed with us, but guess what times change, people change, Castiel changed. It hurts and I get that but don't let this man throw everything you've made for yourself to the trash, you're better than this Dean!", Mary strict tone made Dean sighed and take another swing at the bottle._

_"I was, when I was with him, he made me into a better person, mom. And he is just not a man, he was everything to me", he closed the bottle and rolled over on the bed, he snuggled closed to it, "Get out- just get out of here"_

Dean's phone rang, he lifelessly moved his weak body to the nightstand where it was charging. _'_ _Boss'_ , it read. His jaw tightened along with his throat, he answered it because he had to not because he wanted to.

"Yes?", his tone was cruel, for his sake he had to softened it.

"Oh yes, good morning Dean, sorry for the early call but I was just calling to see if you were going to make it in today?", Ketch's voice sounded too cheery for a Monday morning, it always did, Dean knows for a fact that Ketch is taking pleasure of this.

He cleared his throat, "No, no not today"

"Dean, I know this is a hard time for you and I gave you more vacation days than I get in an entire year. We are friends, don't take advantage of my position, my boss wants you back by tomorrow or they will have to consider on firing you", he spoke with a phony sympathetic tone.

Dean wanted to march down that office and strangle that man to death, and put his corpse on the driveway of his house, Cas would love that.

"Mr. Ketch, I know that what you did for me was more than kindness, and I am truly sorry for not showing up today. Tomorrow, I swear on my ex-husbands grave, I will show up to work, with my best attitude and behavior". They were all lies- well most of them.

"That's excellent to hear, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow at seven sharp". The British accent got on his nerves. Dean thought that was the end of the call until he mentioned _his_ name.

"Have you talked with him, with Castiel?"

 _The nerve on his guy._ "Nope, haven't talked to him, haven't seen him, and that's how it's gonna stay", on the very soft tone he heard Ketch say, "Good"

"What was that, Mr. Ketch?", he asked even though his tone was clear.

"Oh it was nothing"

Their was silence between them that Dean had no time for, "Was that all, _sir_?", he mocked Ketch's title.

"Yes, Dean, that will be all, have a good day and I expect to see you tomorrow-"

Dean hung up on the guy, the conversation was near finish so it wasn't rude. He doesn't know what is going to happen tomorrow, maybe he'll act his age, maybe he wont even show up, there's many versions of just one day. He knows for a fact that things between him and Ketch will never be the same again, they use to be buddies. Right after Adler retired, he wasn't too excited about having a new boss. He owes Zachariah Adler his entire career, and just within a few months the man retires. A young British gentlemen takes over as boss, Arthur Ketch was an immediate success at the office, with the women, and with his own bosses. Him and Dean, it was a done deal at first sight, they connected through golf, hunting, and guns. Very cliché, Dean agreed at first to everything Ketch said, he soon realized that he became a yes man. He stop soon enough and they became business partners and good friends, even if they didn't always agree.

He laughs now, at himself, he can't remember how many times Ketch was over at his house, he'd left Ketch and Cas alone so many frequent times. It makes sense now, whenever Dean would step out he'd come back to seen Ketch closer to Cas by an inch. He always ignored it because Castiel would jump out of his seat to be next to Dean, that single move has so many meanings now. Maybe after every make out section he felt guilty or maybe- or maybe he was just an asshole acting like the scumbag that he is. Cas cheated.

 _Cas_ cheated.

Cas _cheated._

_Castiel. Cheated._

The more he says it the less sense it makes. The guy suffers from generalized anxiety disorder, it took Dean so long to take Cas out of his shell. Cas' anxiety never stopped Dean from wooing him, it drove him more. He just can't see Cas being into another person like that, it took Dean four months and long night talks to get into Cas' pants. His anxiety went deep into his childhood, it took him a year or two for Cas to fully trust him in every way, for him to open up. He has always been an awkward, shy, little guy that Dean had to protect from tormentors. He loved being the rock for Cas, he could protect himself physically but mentally, it's as Cas often describes, "Its like an on going storm in my head, it destroys everything good and leaves the rest in shreds".

It just doesn't make any sense. Everything was fine, he was a good husband, he took care of Cas, he was there for his anxiety attacks, he constantly told him to take his medicine. They were best friends, they were partners, they were freaking husbands, Castiel was with no doubt the greatest feeling in the world. He craves to ask Cas if he ever felt the same way, no, if he _truly_ felt the same way. They were good for each other. It's a fact. But maybe Ketch made him a better man, a greater man.

Its been three weeks since he last saw him, he thinks of their last meeting and that is why he can't see him. Because his mind goes back to that same scene; the more it plays in his head, the further vivid it gets.

He leaves his hotel room and goes to a drug store, buys his necessities and walks in the city of Boston. Too many memories live in his head as he walks pass by stands, stores, parks, buildings. Cas is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, next to him, taunting him as he lights a cigarette. With that crooked beautiful smile of his, the wrinkles on his eyes appear and he throws his head back, all the usual. He turns away from him only to see him on his opposite, and in front of him, and behind him. He can't escape him, because he's not over him. What a simple tragedy, he looses his utter shit over _him._

_him._

It was always him, all he ever did was talk about him and how much he loved him. How did people not get sick of him? All he ever did was cherish _him_ , no one else but him.

You spent your entire life trying to make someone happy, you make an effort to make it last. It always does go to shambles, doesn't it?

His pessimistic attitude was interrupted when his phone rang.

"What is it, Sam? It's not a good time", Dean said, sitting down on a public bench opening his beer and munching on his hot dog.

Sam scoffed, "It's never a good time with you. Dean- I know you don't wan to speak to the man, but I'm begging you here-", he was cut off by another voice, the last voice he wanted to hear.

"Are you freaking kidding me, Sam! You are taking his side. I will tell you this one more time and if I have to say it to you again, I will personally put my fist somewhere where the sun doesn't shine. Listen real close- I will never see him, talk to him, or even think of him, ever again. He's poison, and if you get close enough to him you can smell it on him", he hung up and threw his food to the side.

"You're making a mistake, and you know it", _his_ voice appeared, in front of Dean was Cas, he was wearing his trench coat. He looked like last time he saw him, same jeans, shirt, jack, and shoes. It was snowing, he clearly remembers because Cas made a snowman for his birthday and kept throwing him snowballs. It was a good morning, who'd would've known that would be the last morning together.

"Get lost, dipshit", Dean growls at his own figment of imagination.

"Get rid of me then", Cas shrugs with a little teasing smile, walks parallel to Dean.

Dean froze in his stance and turned to Cas, "You're an asshole you know. What are you gonna cheat on me again, even though you're not real"

Cas shook his head, "I'm in your head, you can make me do whatever you want and you can believe whatever you want, But just know that I still love you", he gave him a small peck and walked away into the snowy pathway.

"Motherfucker!", Dean yelled at the lonely streets in Boston. Castiel doesn't love him, he just wants to hear that, that man never loved him. Maybe he did, at one point, but not anymore, not recently. He took out his phone and dialed Benny's number, it's idiotic, yes, but it's what he had to do. They met up again in Dean room. He wore the same hideous hat he wore last time, he looked like a newsboy in 1920s America. It only looks good on small boys, grown man looked like perverts.

"Guess I'm not a one night stand anymore, huh?", Benny smugly spoke.

"Shut it", he threw Benny on the bed and carried on with the night. But not after Benny asked him again.

"Hubby still not treating you right?"

"Kiss my ass", Dean spat into the sink.

Benny laughed, "Guess not, and I also see the wedding band still on your finger. Just say that he dumped you, there's no shame on that. I think he did a good job, I can have you all by myself thanks to his stupid ass", he walked behind Dean and starting peppering kisses on his neck.

Dean's blood boiled, he shoved Benny away. "I already told you, _I_ dump him, I let him go-"

"Why did you? It's obvious that you still love him, so why did you?"

"Because-", he stopped because telling a complete stranger your deepest shame is an all time low, "because its none of your business, that's why", he spat.

Benny rolled his eyes, and clearly had enough of Dean's shit, he walked out of the room. Dean once again flinched at the sound of the door closing, he didn't want to be alone. With Cas he was never alone, not even when he was away for business. He slept restlessly because he kept seeing _his_ face over, and over, and over again.

 

_"You ever wanna have kids, Cas?", Dean hesitantly asked his boyfriend, he eased when Cas' perked up in glee._

_"Yes! Of course, that's one of my life goals, having a family is what I'm studying for", he pointed at his textbook below him. "Do you want children, Dean?"_

_"One of my goals too, and I want them with you", he reached for Cas' hands as he laced._  “ _I know we are still young but there’s always room for the future”_

_”I agree, children can wait for a bit, we have time”, Cas smiled._

_Dean nodded, “All the time in the world”_

 

**Two week earlier**

Castiel rose from his couch when he hears the doorbell. He shakily put his cup of tea down, he held his breathe and opened the door. Sam had this ugly expression on his face when he saw Castiel. 

“Make this very quick Castiel”, he growled. 

Castiel shook within his own body, he nodded and let Sam through the door. He handed him a cup of tea on which he took. They sat on the sofa, Sam impatiently started tapping his foot on the wooden floor. 

“Cas! I’m not happy with you, so make this fast, if I have to say it again I’m leaving. I shouldn’t even be here”

Castiel licked his lips and with trembling hands took a sip of his hot tea.

”Something bad happened, Sam”


	3. Chapter 3

“This is bull! And you are lying! You know something- you are a lot of things Cas, but a liar, is something I never thought you were”, Sam jolted from his seat when he heard the ludicrous tale from Castiel. 

Of course he turned his back to Cas too soon, he did not get a chance to see his absolute broken face. Castiel’s face fell dramatically into deep sorrow, he choked on his on tears as they starting appearing without telling. He gasped out, he looked down on the brown wooden floor that Dean always loved and sighed. He thought Sam would belive him. No one has, not even his  _own_ family. Dean hasn’t even dared open his text messages. He most probably deleted or blocked his number. He gets it. He does. He remembers seeing his shadow on the corner of his eyes and then walking out. He didn’t help him, he just walked out. He understands that from Dean’s point of view it did look as Dean thinks, Castiel is cheating. 

The hurt that builds in him when he gathers his mind in the thought of Dean actually believing that he would cheat. After ten years of love, dedication, and promises, Dean actually thinks Castiel would cheat. 

Now that actually physically makes him sick. 

Sam is understanding, compassionate, complete opposite of his brother. That’s why he went to Sam to clear things out. But now it’s seems like his wrong, wrong about all of them. 

They aren’t family.

”I’m leaving”, Sam huffed as he grabbed his winter jacket. 

Castiel shut up from his seat, “I have prove, Sam, actual prove”

That clearly got Sam’s attention as he stopped in the middle of the small corridor leading to the door. 

“Please- just let me show you, and then you can decide for yourself if I’m a liar or not”, he gulped, wiping off his dry tears. 

Sam made tight grips with his hands and straighten his back, he turned around looking not really convinced but willing to listen. 

“Okay, fine”

Castiel lead them to a guests room where he had a brown box set on top of the twin size bed. Sam saw how Castiel avoided looking in the direction of the master bedroom, his and Dean’s room. The guest room had Castiel’s belongings, his work equipment was set up on a small desk laid out on the end of the bed.   Castiel sat on the bed and opened the box, he sighed as he looked at it.

“I apologize for the mess, I should’ve cleaned it up before you came”, he scratched the back of his head, avoiding Sam’s look.

“Or maybe go back to your own room, you know the room on which you cheated on”, he gave him a mocking smile that fell down as quick as it came up.

Castiel flinched to the words, he started rubbing his hands on his sweatpants. “Sam, please just listen to me and take a look”

Sam sat on the other side of the box that was in between them, inside their were multiple CDs and a big yellow envelope. 

“What’s all of this, Cas?”

”The CDs are footage from the cameras installed in the house, it shows prove that I’m not guilty- and before you say anything to contrast me, watch them first”

Sam rolled his eyes and took the laptop that was being handed to him, he put the CD in and played it. Castiel had cut most of the days footage and minimized it to three hours.

_It started at Castiel opening the door to show Ketch with a gleaming smile. Although you cannot see his face, Cas doesn’t seem all to happy because he leaves the door open for Ketch to come in and then leaves him there without a greeting. Ketch’ facial expression showed his next action as he went and gripped Castiel’s wrist and pulled him torward him. His hands then wrap around his waist and smiles maliciously, he pecks Castiel’s neck. While as for Cas, his hands are still not replying to Ketch at all, he tries to make distance between him and Ketch as he tries to kiss his neck more. He even turns his face when Ketch goes for a kiss._

_“Don’t you dare!”, he hisses at Ketch quitely._

_“Aw, come on deary, just one little peck”, he goes for another kiss, gripping his hands around Castiel’s waist. That’s when Castiel pushes him forcibly away. Ketch grabs him by the neck and pulls his face to face._

_“Be careful, deary, or little Dean-O is going to pay the price”, he tsk and let’s go of him just as he sees Dean around the corner._

Sam at this moment pauses the video and turns to Cas. “When was this Cas?”

He shrugs first and then responds, “The exact date of that video I’m not sure, I’ll go back and check, but all of these CDs are footage of how many times this monster has molested and harassed me in my own home. Sam, please say you belive me, I know Dean is your brother but please Sam, you know me. I need someone on my side”, he choked up, “I have no one, not a single person believes  me, I need you right now”, he swallows his dispair to finally meet Sam’s eye. 

This time Sam sees the brokenness in the man’s eyes. He shakes his head in a nod and looks back at the box, he takes out the CD and places it back on its case. 

“I’ll tell you what Cas, I’ll take this box home with me and I’ll take a look at everything. I’ll come back tomorrow and we’ll both know what to do from there”, he picked up the box and stood up with it. 

Castiel looked up at him alarmed, “Sam, this is very private footage and photos. I trust you, but there’s some very sentive stuff in there that I wouldn’t want everyone to see. Please becareful with where you place it”

”Yes, of course, I’ll give it my best treatment”

Castiel walked him out the door but not before he could ask. “Sam, before you go- how’s Dean?”, he asked shyly. 

Sam sighed, “He’s a mess. You really did brake him. So good job on that”, he knew from what he saw in the footage, Cas was maybe telling the truth between him and Ketch. But Dean was still his brother, and Castiel is no longer part of the family. 

“You’d think I still have a second chance?”

”You lost your husband the minute you didn’t tell Dean about Ketch. Cas if that man was hurting you you do know Dean would’ve stood by your side. He freaking loved you, man. And you freaking broke him. So my advice is when those divorce papers come by sign them quick because Dean, is never going to forgive you”, he furiously turned around and got in his convertible and drove off. 

They all left Castiel standing in his own doorstep, looking broken as ever. Gabriel, Michael, his parents, all of them one by one, telling him that it was his fault or that it didn’t happen, or was using it as an excuse to cover up the affair. 

He hates him. He hates him for everything he’s done to him. The pain is an ever ending maze, he’s trapped in his own mind. Cas hates him for making him fall in love with him. He hates him. 

There’s always that one person that you can’t see yourself without. The person that makes you a better in every way possible. The person that doesn’t give up on you when you do. The person that says they love you when you like a hobo. The person that never turns their back on you even if your pissed at them. The person who always comes home with treats or present because they just felt like it. That one person who makes you feel better about yourself. That was Dean to Castiel. And it wasn’t easy for either of them. 

Cas would push Dean away with warnings about himself. Dean the stubborn fuck that he is would always stay around the corner whenever he needed him. Castiel with all truth doesn’t know if he feel in love with Dean’s eyes first or with his smile. He just remembers paying the most attention to those features. 

Ever since his eyes landed on Dean, he was done for. He didn’t know for a fact that he would be the one, but he felt something, like a relief that he wasn’t a lost cause. His anxiety gets the best of him, the doubt of it all being one big joke always runs through his head. Even on the wedding day, and the honeymoon, and the three years of marriage. Cas laughs because he imagined at one point, Dean cheating on him with the lady next door. He’s the one with the doubt, the anxiety, the low self-esteem, and now according to google most probably depression. 

Now it has been three weeks since Dean and him last talked, and Sam is determined to get Dean’s head out of his own ass. Castiel at this point knew it was pointless to bring him back home, he didn’t want him around anymore. He loves him, but he betrayed him instead of being a husband. Dean has the same train of thought but for obvious reasons. 

“Cas, I will get you your husband back”, Sam reached out and placed his hands on Cas’ shoulders. 

Castiel pushes him aside and sat back down on his chair. He poked his food around and drank his water. He could feel Sam’s stared drill into him. 

“So that’s it! What about you Cas, you deserve better! Dean’s needs to know the truth!”

”HE WONT LISTEN, SAM!”, Cas’ rage pushes the table all the way to the sliding door, three feet away. “He’s a stubborn dickhead! He will not listen to you, why would you think hhe would listen to me?”, he then proceeds to run to the bathroom, where Sam chases him to see him hunch over on the toilet seat. He coughs and spits out his saliva. 

“You’re making yourself sick with all those pills”, Sam wets a towel and cleans Castiel up. 

He shakes his head and shamefully looks at the floor. His shoulder begin to shake, he gasp out to rest his body on he wall. 

“When I went to the doctor, they did some blood work- and-“, he sighed, closing his eyes to only look up at the light colored green ceiling that he remembers painting with Dean. 

_“I still don’t like the color, babe, it’s revolting”, Dean sighed with his arms crossed looking unimpressed._

_”I like the color and so will the guest, besides if you don’t like it”, he leaned in his ear to whisper, “then don’t take a shit here”, he smiled and patted Dean’s stomach._

_Dean’s mouth was left ajar in a gasp, “I can take a shit wherever I like, you built this house for me remember”_

_”And for our children, and for me, so learn how to share”, Cas responded, carrying another can of paint to the living room._

_“Yeah yeah, but the house was design for me and my liking”, he then picked up Cas and spun his around to take him back to the restroom, “And my liking doesn’t like green”_

_Castiel knew better than to fight with him and decided to make a deal, “Okay, how about I paint the whole house how I like-“, Dean was ready to intrude so to cover his mouth Cas used his hand, “And you get to paints the baby’s room”_

_Dean’s eyes perked up, “Are you saying you’re pregnant?”_

_”No, well not yet, but when I am you’ll get to pick the color and all the furniture”, he smiled._

_“You’d seriously trust me with all of that?”_

_”Sure, as long as I get to name it”_

_”I knew there was a catch. But I take the deal”, he stuck out his hand for Cas to shake, “Good making business with you, Mr. Winchester”_

_Cas blushed as he heard his new last name, it did have a ring to it._

“I’m pregant, Sam, and it’s not Dean’s”, he gasped out to only make himself into a ball.

Sam swallowed thickly and fell to his knees, “That’s son of bitch is the father?!”, he yelled and sat himself next to Cas. “What are you going to do?”

Cas dreaded those words, he didn’t know that answer to that question.

His body shook with his head, “Help me, Sam. I’m so- I’m so scared of everything”

Sam frowned and pulled Castiel’s warm, trembling body into his arms. He held him there, one arm around the man’s torso and the other around his neck. After the news, Castiel pleaded to Sam not to say a word to _anyone,_ Samknew. He watched Cas sleep, not in a creepy way, he just saw the damage that was done to him. The bruises on his back are almost gone, scratches completely invisible. The damage was done to Cas, maybe it’s invisible but it’s there. If you truly pay attention to Cas, you know that he isn’t himself. 

Sam leaves after cleaning up the mess in he dining room, he leaves to pay a visit to his hotheaded brother. 

 

First day back to work, and everyone was itching to see the man who’s husband cheating on. The secretary welcomed him back with her breast almost failing off her shirt. He straightened his back and walked into his floor proudly. He waved ‘hello’ to several of his friends and ignored those criticizing faces. They all judge him as if they were God themselves to do so, who ever gave them the right. Free country his ass. He reached his desk and threw his briefcase on his desk. He planted his head on top of his desk and sighed. It would be any minute time now that Ketch would show up at his office. 

Speaking of such devil, the Brit knocked on the door with a gleeful grin. He let himself in and pretended as if his divorce wasn’t on him. 

“Mr. Winchester, I’m glad you’re back. It’s trully hasn’t been the same without you here, your presence has been missed”, he dressed sharp this morning, he always does but it seems that he was trying to impress someone. His shoes are more polished, his suit looked tailored last week, he most likely sprayed cologne on every inch of his body, his hair in the same style the gel stuck out more on his black hair. 

Dean stood from his chair but kept his distance from him. Ketch is his boss, he wants to pore acid on the man’s penis and watch him suffer, but for the sake of his future he has to behave. He fought to put his best smile on. “I’m glad to be back and you know work again”.

Ketch laughed and pointed at the chair in front of him, asking Dean if he could sit. Dean having not another option nodded and took a seat as well. Ketch’s statue became more strict, his all together good attitude gone, replaced by the same guy Dean hated so. 

“Dean, you and I need to have a conversation”, Ketch stated making Dean laugh he bit his lip to keep himself from the anger rising in him. “I presume that I am the reason why you’re marriage has failed”

”Well you presumed right, you son of a bitch!”, Dean barked.

”I’m going to need you to keep your tone to a minimum, may I remind you that I am still your boss”

”I’m going to need you to stay away from me, may I remind you that you and my ex husband had an affair”, he mocked his own boss, this time he knew he crossed the line. 

Ketch blinked and frowned, his tense shoulders seemed to relax. “Affair?”, he wondered. 

“Yes! Don’t act like you don’t know, you literally just confessed!”

 A little flicker sparked inside Ketch and he smiled again widely, “Why of course there’s no need to lie, I assure you me and Castiel, we _both_ had our fun but sadly I need to move on. He’s seems distraught at the news of your divorce”, but Ketch didn’t. 

“So what? You only go after married guys and dump them once you get caught?”

”Come on Dean, having a married man on your bed is thrilling. Specially when he does everything you ask him too”, he whispered softly to Dean, his tone was malicious and cunning. 

Dean upper lip twitched, he gripped the arms rest on his chair, pretty sure he tore the fabric. “You’re an animal, and a coward. You will rot in hell for running my life. And trust me, I will enjoy your screams when it becomes my turn to tear you apart. You are what they call low excuse for a man, you are lower than the shit I step in. What you did to me and Cas, I will never forgive for. I really did think you were my friend, I ignored all my bad thoughts about you and it costs me everything. If your plan was to ruin me, then I hope you’re happy because you’ve achieved it”, he growled those words directly at his bosses face. 

But Ketch was not impressed with his mediocre speech as he scoffed. “Dean you are pathetic and let me tell you why. First, you say that I ruined you, that is not the case here. My entiontions were to never hurt either of you, I will admit that I got out of control and stepped over a line that I shouldn’t have. I apologize for that, but I did not ruin your marriage. You did. And you yet have to take off that wedding band off your finger. If you wanted to make the marriage to work, you should’ve been a better husband-“

”I was a good husband to Cas, I was the best person whenever I was around him”

”Well apperantly you weren’t the best for Castiel because in the end he went to me behind your back. And that brings me back to my second reason, I was and am your friend. See I helped you in a way, I discovered that your husband can not keep it in his pants. Like I said I’m only trying to look out for you”, he put on his fake hurt puppy face. “We can still be friend and we can forget about Castiel”

Dean listened to him and shook his head, everything that came out of that man’s mouth was literally bullshit. Ketch ruined him and he knew what he was doing the whole time. Ketch did ruin his marriage because Castiel had never acted out like that before. And finally, Ketch is not his friend. Dean rather have his kidneys stole and found in a ditch than he friends with that son of a bitch. 

But maybe he was right about not being the best for Cas. It’s clearly obvious that he wasn’t because Cas turned to another man instead of his own husband. Its the only thing that clearly makes any sense. He tried but he wasn’t enough to make Cas happy. What a tragic story. 

“Leave, Ketch, just leave”, he turned his chair as dispair replaces his rage. He hears the door slam shut and he crawls off his chair to hide beneath his desks. He sniffles quitely as he is left to his own thoughts and mermories of the good days, the hopeful days. 

_“Cas baby, why do you look so good cooking?”, Dean growled behind his ear as he appeared behind Cas._

_“Because you like food and myself, so when you see them both is like a cosmic orgasim”, Cas replies as he stirs the soup._

_Dean snorts, “I love you and I like food, I don’t love anything more than you”_

_”What about Baby?”, Cas turns his head to Dean, with a knowing grin. Dean hesitates but not for too long._

_“And pie? I can’t compete with them”_

_”Hey, come on now, yes you can. You taste more delicious than pie and I ride you better than baby”, he tapped his nose and smile showing his the wrinkles around his eyes._

_“Do you have to make everything into a sexual conversation?”, Cas complained with a non serious tone._

_“Yes”, Dean bluntly responded._

_“Dean”, Cas warned._

_“Yes, my love?”, he blinked rapidly and gave Castiel a heart felt stare._

_Cas shook his head and sighed, “Set up the table- and Dean, I love you too”, he grasped the back of his neck and kissed him, tasting the sweet chocolate he ate earlier._

_“I love you more”, he tenderly whispered._

_“Love me more than you’re brother?”_

_”The love for my brother is different from the way I love you. Of course I love you both equally, but I will always pick you over him”_

_”You don’t mean that Dean, I know how much you’re brother means to you. I would never make you choose because I know your answer”, his voice took a lower, doubtful tone._

_“You don’t know my answer, Cas, all I know is that unless you are a hundred percent wrong in whatever the situation might be, I will stand next to you”, he covered Castiel’s face with his hands to make him look up. “I care about you, and I love you, how many times do I have to say it for you to belive me?”_

_”As many times it takes you to understand that anxiety doesn’t go away because we are engaged”, he responded looking up then glancing back down. He grabbed on of Dean’s hands and kissed his inner palm._

_”Cas, you will fight this and win, you wont suffer forever. I know you Cas, you’re a fighter”, he let go of his grip and cling onto Cas’ warm hands._

_“I think sometimes that I’ve fought for too long”, he shook his head and returned back to the pot._

_Dean stepped back and let those words sink in. “What is that suppose to mean? Cas, what the fuck are you saying to me?”, he gripped the man by his torso so he could face him._

_“I’m saying that I’m tired, and well- I don’t know, I don’t feel myself getting any better”_

_”Is it the medication, I thought you said it was working”_

_”No, it is but it’s me Dean, I’m not working-“_

_”Stop right there, Cas, I’m serious. Stop. We are taking you back to therapy, I don’t like how you’re talking”, Dean said firmly taking no excuses._

_”Dean, I’m not going back to that hellhole, it doesn’t work for me!”, Cas fought as he gritted his teeth._

_“Well then we’ll figure it out, but I’m not leaving you like this, no way in hell. I want you to get better and I know that so do you. Work with me Cas, and I will stand with you”_

_Cas nodded his head and pecked Dean’s cheek, “You do love me”_

_”I always have, you dick”, he laughed._


	4. Chapter 4

The days pass by as they stopped having meaning. The sun and the moon carried on without thinking someone might need the night to be longer. Both men desperately needed the moon to stay longer, the insomnia drugged their eyes to their work. Pills don't work, as much as doctors hope they do, they don't, all those sons of bitches want is their green bills. Work didn't stop for Castiel, nonsense, it was the only thing in his life at the moment that makes any damn sense. It stabilize his deteriorating mind. For Dean, it kept his mind out of the real world. He works over time without realizing it, anything he can do so he wont return to that hotel. Ketch and his secretary have kicked him out the office numerous times. Castiel was in the middle of designing a new skyscraper for the Boston trade when his life went to shit, his team held back the project to a few months to let Cas settle his divorce. Castiel didn't let that happen, he went to work even if his legs felt like half ton bricks as he dragged them through an ocean.

"I'm poison, Sam. That's what he called me. But I don't see it in me, for the most part I'm an okay person. I mind my own business,  I work hard, I try for hardest to make good friends, it might seen like it now but I did try on my marriage. I don't think I'm poison", he tilts his drowsy head, his eyes barely open but he can still see the tired weak man in the reflection.

Sam entered the steamy restroom with a frown, Castiel was beyond lost that Sam was frightened he would never come back. It’s often he finds him staring at himself after a hot shower. It’s ere because he trances himself in the mirror, almost as if he was hoping for a better reflection. And he always has a topic to speak about, usually criticism towards himself. Words that only a man who has given up on life would say, maybe Castiel  has given up. Sam is certain that Dean is on the verge of suicide if he keeps pushing him away. Castiel is the one he is mostly worried about, when he told him he had no one in his side. The man wasn’t lying, Sam has tried talking and contacting Cas’ family members. They all belief is a scam to cover up the nonexistent affair. Gabriel’s response was the most surprising, from the stories Cas has told them, they were inseparable from Cas’ birth. 

Sam pondered if Dean would’ve reacted the same as Gabriel. 

Sam was the only one who beliefs Cas, he has seen all the tapes and has listened to conversations Castiel recorded on his phone. Pictures of the aftermath that Castiel took, are very detailed and enough prove. They have enough evidence to press charges on Ketch and win. But Cas- Cas doesn’t want to step forward with the charges. Humiliation has already occurred to him, he doesn’t think he can overcome it once again. 

The fetus has been growing and already hit two months a few days ago. Castiel detests the thing growing inside him. He wants it out, yet at the moment of reaching the car he is doubtful of his plan. Sam doesn’t know of this, he cannot know. That might be his last straw and leave Castiel, and then he will be all alone. Death is an option Cas is willing to take, if only it weren’t for Sam and the baby. 

“You are not poison. You know my brother is an idiot- he was probably drunk when he said that. Don’t listen to him-“, Sam spoke without hearing his words. 

Castiel stopped him with a troubled frown, “What did you just say? He’s drinking again? When did he start? Sam!”, he became impatient when Sam winced in regret. 

He sighed and nodded shamefully, “Yes. Yes, okay, he started drinking and he probably won’t stop unless you talk to him”, Castiel gave him a cold look, “Dont give me that look again, Cas. Don’t be like my brother, don’t be a child”

”I’m no child and I am most certainly not your brother. You’re brother is a hot head who has his pride up his ass. I gave him my life, I opened myself up to him! Do you know how hard that was for me? I cried myself to sleep some nights because I didn’t feel like I was enough for him! That one day he would realize he could so much better and leave. I put every ounce of effort that I could give in my marriage, in my entire relationship with your brother. And it all goes to shit because his fucking boss raped me! And no one believes me”, he brakes down and  slides down the wall, “My own husband won’t even open my messages. I can’t talk to him, Sam, I just don’t think the right words will be said. My fucking anxiety is going to get the best of me.”, he gasped out in tears. He chest felt so closed in, his lungs couldn’t support him anymore. 

“Your brother can’t even have a talk with me about what happened. You tell him Sam that he can’t just pretend what happened didn’t. It happened and yes, he needs to know the truth, but he just won’t listen!”, he elbowed the wall behind him. 

Sam knelt down, “I can’t say any of what you just said, only you can. I can deliver the message but it won’t click in Dean’s head, he needs to hear it from you. He needs to see you breaking down and hear what really happened that night. You won’t be alone, I promise, I’ll stay with you if you want”

”I can’t do it, Sam”, he shakes his head hysterically. 

Sam grips Cas’ shoulders and shakes him, “Stop saying that you can’t do it. Stop that. You’re better than this. You’re a great man who deserves better- you deserved a better husband”

”Dean was the best partner anyone could wish for, fucking Christ! I love that man! I still love him! He broke my heart but he still has it”, he smiled brokenly as he looked up. “We all deserved something better in our lives, Sam, but we can’t all get that something”

”You still have an opportunity to make things right, Cas, you can’t just give up”

”Watch me”, he whispers in a trance. 

Sam growls and zooms out of the restroom to his car. He checks his phone and he triamphully recorded the hole conversation. He plays in the speakers as he drives to his brothers hotel. Sam knows better than to play the recording, Castiel would never forgive him nethertheless trust him. When he knocks on the door he receives a text message from Cas asking where he went, and then which followed a long paragraph on how he was sorry for snapping. He was ready to reply when the door opened and frowned seeing a strange man at the door. He had dark blonde hair, with blue eyes, very buff and wore a newbies hat, his trademark most will say. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I must have the wrong door”, he steps back to check the next door. Sam hears his brother’s voice and name being called. He frowns and sees his brother show up at the door without a shirt off and a pair of boxers on. 

“Heya, Sammy”, he slurred, he wrapped an arm around he man who answered the door. 

Sam seemed disturbed by the action as he stared at the two men in cold giving eyes. 

“Dean”, Sam hissed, “Who is this man?”, he eyes the guy up and down. 

“This is Benny”, he smiled and pecked the man’s cheek, “Benny, this is my little brother Sammy Winchester”

’Benny’, bowed his cap down to Sam with a quick smirk. He excused himself back in Dean’s room, Sam was overjoyed as he pulled his brother out into the hall with force. 

“What do you’re doing, Dean? Who is that guy?”

Dean shrugged lazily, “He is the best hook up I’ve ever had, I wish I had cheated on Cas first so I could’ve had him. Hey, who knows, Benny could be my next one”, he laughs patting his brothers shoulder. 

Sam stares at his brother is aghast, he eyes him up and down and truly he sees how low his brother has sunken in just two months. He can’t see the brother that raised him. He only sees a drunk man who doesn’t have the balls to talk to the man who literally saved his life. Sam can call himself a hypocrite, he didn’t listen to Cas, he choose not to. He chose  the opinions of others about a man, who he has known his entire adult life, instead of speaking to the man himself. But Sam wasn’t the one who vow to love Castiel until death do them part, Dean is the coward. He use to tease Cas about being with his brother, he would jokingly say why would a guy like Cas go out with a dump like Dean. Even made a joke at their wedding. But know he stares at his brother, he’s the poison. 

“I have no idea what drew Cas into liking you”, he spat at Dean’s face. 

Dean smiled, he stepped closer to Sam’s space, “I come packing seven inches, Sammy, I made him scream every damn night. And yet, the whore that he is he went out and fucked my boss. Because getting it every night with me wasn’t enough-“, he went down on the first blow Sam threw. Right in the jawline, Sam took advantage and grabbed his messy hair to swing once again. He strikes below the eye and next to the cheekbone, Dean groans in pain as he holds his bloody nose. Sam stands up and kicks him with all the ire he has. He’s soon shoved away to the wall by ‘Benny’, who comes to Dean’s rescue. 

“Fuck you, Sammy. Fuck you...I thought you were my brother, man. Why the hell are you taking his side?”, he spat blood that ran down his mouth, resting his body on the opposite wall. 

“Taking his side is the best thing I can do for the man who saved my brother's life. Or did you forget that? Drinking almost got you killed, you wouldn’t listen to anyone, not even me, but then Cas showed up. You listened to him and you gave it up for him. Have you forgotten everything he has done for you, everything he has given up for _you!_ I am your brother, through better or worse I’m always going to be your brother and I love you but belief me when I say, if you don’t talk to your husband, you’re going  to lose him completely. This is not a joke Dean, enough moping around and feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t even know the truth, and when you finally learn it, it’ll be to late”

Sam fixes his suit coat and rushes out to the elevator. 

Dean is left there bewildered, _what truth?_

 

Two weeks have passed since the incident, Castiel wasn’t to happy but felt honored that Sam was defending him. Petty fights like those didn’t need to occur, bigger fights need to be fought, like their divorce settlement. Their lawyers communicate with each other commonly as Dean continues to refuse seeing Castiel. Dean made it clear that Cas can keep the house, the car, all the furniture he wants, he can melt everything. He could care less what happens to disposable objects, like Castiel. 

The house was built for Dean, and now he treats it like yesterday’s trash. Cas still has the house blueprints stored somewhere in the attic. The design of their house was actually a project for his college class. 

“ _Wow, Castiel, I truly am impressed with your work. How long did it take you to design this?”, his professor asked as she inspected it with great detail._

_Castiel blushed and shyly spoke, “Didn’t take me more than a week maybe. I had a great ton of inspiration from someone special”_

_”And let me guess, you design the house with them in mind”, she teased._

_Cas huffed, “In my head I pictured the house I want my children to be raise in. Where they can all grow up and bring their own children over once and while. And well yes, I had this person in mind the entire time”_

_”Well whoever this person is you better build them this house one day”, she smiled._

_Cas shook his head, “No, no, I don’t mean to share too much but I don’t honestly think we’ll last that long”_

_She gave him a face, “Mr. Novak, if I had someone design me the perfect house for our future children to be raise in, I for sure wouldn’t let that person go”, she checked off the last few pages and handed back Castiel his project. A perfect  A. He laughs in surprise, thanking the teacher and walked out looking over the comments she had left._

_“Damn baby, get that sexy ass over here!”_

_He hears a cat called from a distance but continues to walk._

_“Cas! Get your fine ass and get it over here”_

_At the call of his name he perks up his head and turns around to see his boyfriend, Dean with a gigantic smile. He wraps one arm around Cas’ neck and kisses him sweetly. “Hey”, he whispers, his eyes concentrated at his boyfriends lips. When his green eyes lookup through his lashes, Castiel feels nervous._

_“Hello, Dean”_

_”You’re cute”, he flirts._

_Cas looks away to awkwardly giggle, “Whatever you say, Dean”_

_”You are cute, I don’t care what you think, in my eyes you’re cute as hell”, he grips Castiel’s hips and keeps him in a close distance._

_“I guess you’re cute too”, he fails at flirting._

_Dean acts insulted, “You ‘think’, I’m insulted, my own boyfriend doesn’t think I’m cute enough”_

_”I never said that-“, he cuts himself to gather his thoughts, “I’m not good at this, Dean, forgive me, I’m trying”_

_Dean laughed, “I’m only teasing you Cas, I don’t care if you think I’m the ugliest person in the world. I will always think you are cutest angel in heaven”_

_”Cutest angel in heaven? Now you are being delusional”, he starts walking to his next class, holding Dean’s hand._

_Dean arched his eyebrow and shook his head, “No, not delusional just crazy for you”_

_”You’ll get bored of me quick, all of them do”, Cas continues on walking, staring straight ahead. Dean stops them both and tugs at his arms to grab his attention . Castiel sighs as he knows what coming, a big speech about how his self esteem is too low and how wrong he was. He didn’t bother turning to Dean because it was the same as with every other guy._

_Dean became impatient and grabbed his by his chin forcing him to look directly at him. “I know your anxiety is the one talking, so I’m going to let it slide, but you gotta know something about me Cas. I don’t get bored of anyone, I like you because I find you interesting not dull. I know your condition makes you think of crazy stuff but you have to make yourself belief that I really do like you, that this isn’t puppy love. I want this”, he points at himself then to Castiel, “to work, I want to get to know you better. We are boyfriends, we shouldn’t be getting bored of each other, okay? I really like you and one day I might even love you. So please give me a chance”_

_Castiel hesitates to agree, he doesn’t like Dean back, he sees pontential for them in the future. They may be complete opposites but when put together they are an perfect match. His anxiety has made it difficult to make it out of his own house at times, you could only imagine how hard it must of been when they first met. Trusting Dean is one thing but being in love with him is another. He does see himself being in love with the man, all in good time he supposes._

_“Yes, Dean”_

 

The month of February passed by too soon for Castiel, nothing thrilling has happened, everything in his life is still pretty much shit. But what was truly bothering him was Time, he didn’t have enough, not enough daylight hours and plenty of nighttime. Why does it have to be so? Why can’t it not be the opposite? The sun is light and life, everything that lives owes the sun it’s life. Why can’t there be more life? The moon, what in the fuck does the moon give to us? If you answered that it lets us recharge for the following day, then you can go straight to Hell. The sun means more to the human race than the moon, and no one can tell Castiel different.

When March began, he initially felt hatred towards that blasted thing. It has been a long winter this hear in Boston, so long that Cas had forgotten what the sun felt like. The winter couldn’t let him live, he felt stuck in an endless trap of an igloo, tormented by all his gilt and shame. Spring is probably the best season of the whole god forsaken year, maybe summer we’ll be better. Until now, Castiel never noticed how the seasons changed people's mood, it’d never really affected him because Dean always stayed his usual self. It has been years since he has been alone, truly alone, without Dean he feels useless. With Dean he woke up to the smell of Colombian coffee, the shower would smell of his aftershave, and sometimes Dean would run late but never forget to make him breakfast. He didn’t notice the things that made him the happiness until later on, he didn’t pay enough attention to them. 

And it is thoughts such as those that made him hate his life, having a person next to you your entire life and then losing them is hard enough. It’s harder when you lost them and you know you still have a chance but are too weak to speak up. Castiel knows he can’t be the only one, there must be others like him out there. There has to be. Or... then he really is alone in this. Sam hasn’t left his side, but he feels like a burden at times. He’s wasting the poor man’s life when he doesn’t even know if he wants to go on. If he goes on, he carry’s his child’s rapist and still has no Dean. He raises the child, and avoids telling the child about their other father. And still Dean won’t be in the picture. If he chooses abortion, Dean won’t have to know, and his slim chance of making alright goes up. 

That is his only opportunity, but he has no time to doubt himself anymore. Time isn’t on his side, there cannot be hesitation, just action. He shakes off the nerves from his body, he jogs to his closet and throws on random pieces of clothing. He races his right mind downstairs, to search for his keys and wallet. They were sitting on a small table against the wall where a small round mirror hung, his reflection spoke the same as his brain. He cursed himself, pushing himself to the door. 

He grips the door and begins to breathe shakily, “I have to do this, I have to”, he keeps repeating. He swings the door open and a voice appears. 

“Do what, may I ask?”

Ketch. 

With a black leather jacket, a button down maroon shirt, black jeans, with a pair of black dressy shoes. He did it on purpose, Cas notices at first hand the same clothing he wore that night he wears now. Only the worst played in his mind, he attempts to close the door right at this face. Ketch uses his right body strength to push the door all the way open, catching vulnerable Castiel out of balance. His heart beats at double speed from that night before, more likely because he was conscious, he could see the dark man’s malice in his eyes. It made him sick to his stomach. 

“Come on, darling, you still aren’t salty about all those months ago?”, Ketch smirk maliciously making his way closer to Castiel. 

“Months? Try three months ago, genius. Ketch, you are not welcome here, get out”, he growled acting brave, it was becoming a challenge to keep his eyes on Ketch. 

“Oh please, you and I both know you won’t do anything to stop me. You didn’t do anything before, why start now? Because you lost Dean?”, he scoffed, “You never had him to begin with, I did you both a favor. Dean is gone now, angel, it’s me and you know”, he smiles wickedly making Castiel swallowed his lump. “So how about a chat?”

Cas stutters in the worst occasion, “A ch-chat? About what? You peaking the truth to Dean? Turning yourself in to the authorities?”

Ketch gives out a laugh as he swings his head back, he continues to laugh as he pleases himself a seat in Castiel’s living room. He clears his throat, “Oh deary, you don’t honestly think I’m going to do any of those things? Dean? You’ve lost him, that will never work again. And turning myself in, for what exactly? I simply have no clue of what you are talking about”, he tilted his head innocently. 

“Don’t play the idiot, Ketch, you were the only one who was conscious that night. You know what you did, you r-“

Ketch lunched towards Castiel, pushing him to the world, “The only idiot here will be you, if you go the police with these repulsive accusations. We were both conscious that night, or don’t you remember?”, his threatening, sharp words turned soft caressing his face, “Chase I do. You were enjoying every moment of it, you squirmed and begged, you moaned and wept like a child for more”, his hands roamed down Castiel’s neck to his waist. “Would you like for me to demonstrate for old time sake?”

Castiel scrunched his face in disgust, he stood compliant not wanting to triggered him. “You need to step away from me”

”Or what? What is little, defenseless Castiel going to do?”, he hissed, one of his roaming hands to Castiel’s neck. 

Cas gasped as the hand gripped his neck, he didn’t speak. Because he was right, Ketch was right, Dean wasn’t here to stop him or rescue him at the last moment. He never learned how to fight for himself, he’d always been the easiest target, and for Ketch it’s a treat for him. Ketch smiled at his silence and threw him in the sofa, his eyes roamed down Castiel  covered body. He stands right in front of him and unbuckles his belt.

”Please don’t, just don’t”, Castiel pitifully begs. 

“Oh don’t worry, angel, it won’t hurt you as much this time”, he exposes himself to Castiel and brings he small man’s mouth forwards. Castiel struggles with the small fight he has in him, it earns him a backhand that send him down. Ketch chokes him down with his hand and keeps him down on the couch as he forcefully let himself in. 

“If you bit, I’ll kill the little bugger”, Ketch spits. 

Cas cries, he tries to breath threw his nose but it is congested by his tears. He wilingly stays still for the man, the fight he had in him is no longer active, it probably will never be. 

Ketch finishes as leaves behind him as his trash, he waits for the janitor to pick it up. 

“No one is going to believe you, angel, keep that in mind”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two months since last update, yes I noticed and I’m truly sorry. I wanted to officially end my last story so I could concentrate on this one. So no, this story isn’t abandoned, I can’t wait to write more. I know it isn’t much but I just want to feed y’all a little sum sum.  
> Thank you the patience for whoever is still reading.


	5. Chapter 5

“It’s a girl, Mr. Novak. Congratulations!”

And what exactly is aupppse to do with that information, be excited? Go back home to his loving husband and tell him the jolly news? And then they could celebrate over fancy diner and lustful sex late at night? That would be very nice wouldn’t it? Yeah, well life ain’t like that all, he’s cursed with an innocent child. 

The child deserves so much better, but there is nothing to give. The chance of her getting adopted are low, too many children in the system. Castiel could never that cold hearted to leave his child in such place, but he deeply does not want this child. 

Castiel starts thinking of list of people could hopefully take her in after her birth. Family is out of the question, they would beat her down because of her father. So only friends, close friends that he knows are truth worthy. That shortened th list to five names, the couples are well people that have treated Castiel fairly in his years of being Dean’s husband. And of course news travels fast, Dean must of told all of his friends to never face Castiel again, and if so to ignore his existence. Castiel has known Jody and Donna since their engagement, he attended the party, they are both decent humans who both work for the police. So both highly respected police women raising his young daughter to become a strong woman like them, doesn’t sound like a nutritiously bad idea. But knowing Dean Winchester, he must of told them about their failed marriage and the cause of it, he put the blame of Castiel with no doubt. So Jody and Donna have a question mark next to their names, he could ask Sam later.

Charlie, is a red-headed, sugar high woman, who just happens to be Dean’s best friend. She always talked about starting a family but just could never find the right gal for herself. At one point in question her, she declared herself to never get married but children still in the picture. She was done with waiting for the right person, Charlie desperately wanted a small baby. But even in the state of Massachusetts it’s hard adopting children when you are a lesbian, who lives alone, and has collections from every single nerdy fan base. She’s a complete genius but will always be a child from the heart. Question is, is she willing to take in her best friend’s, ex- husbands affair baby? She’s terribly nice but is a devil when someone hurts Dean, he could only imagine the thoughts in her head if he were to show up at her apartment. He could also ask Sam to ask in his behalf. So question mark next to her name. 

The last pair on names were Sam and his fiancé, Sarah Blake. Yes, it is completely immoral to even think of them as choices, how could he even ask them to take upon such task? He would be asking Sam to take in his brother's, cheating husbands baby. Sam knows the truth about the poor child, which affects her chances of Sam saying yes. Sarah and Sam are the only ones who know the truth, Castiel has a feeling that Sarah will say yes in a heartbeat. But the whole idea is nasty, and makes Castiel feel like dirt, he takes a shower and still feels like yesterday’s trash. 

All of his choices are going to say no, they don’t need to know the truth to realize where the baby came from. It’s most certainly not Dean’s, Castiel did the math and there’s no way it could be Dean’s. See, Dean was away for meeting in Cambridge for the beginning of the month of January. He landed in Boston just exactly on the night of his birthday. They didn’t have chance to do any intercourses whatsoever, Castiel didn’t start feeling symptoms until after that night. As much as he wants to fool his right mind, he has to face the facts that the child has no possibility of being Dean's.

He goes home after the doctor's appointment and tries to continue on his project, but he just gazes at the design almost expecting them to draw themselves. He sees the pencil in his hand, and he sees the building standing stall in downtown Boston, completed and beautiful, but his will to move his hand is oppressing him. He sighs and irritated throws his pencil to the opposite wall, he stands and looks down at his work. All his stimulation had vanished, he instead searched for mistakes and sees very few but judges the shape of the building. It's grotesque, why did he think of that? Does the structure even make sense, maybe the director lied to him because he felt bad for poor Castiel. It's crap, it's all shit, how can anyone like the design, none of it makes sense. He wasted six months on complete utter shit!

"Son of a bitch! It's all useless! Useless!", he sweeps his drawing off the table and they all scatter around, Castiel grips his hair turning to the kitchen. He wonders there searching for something, even though he's not hungry or has any business there. Cas escapes the closed in kitchen to the outside world, he sits on his porch steps forgetting about the swing. He deepens his head into his knees, avoiding the small bump, and he curls up to breakdown. He assumes he moved to quickly for the baby as he begins to feel dizzy, he stands slowly, holding his stomach he with heavy steps opens the back door and clings to the walls for balance. The steady walls weren't enough and he landed on his knees, he groans.

Sam and Sarah arrive from the store as they see Castiel fall to his knees, they toss the bags aside and run to Castiel's side. "Cas! Holy shit, Cas, are you okay?", Sam wraps one arm around his waist and hauls him up.

"Yes, just take me to the restroom", Castiel weakly response.

Sam takes him and lifts the toilet bowl like it's a sixth sense, he searches for Sarah and sees her coming back with his bag of vitamins and all types of medicine. In a different situation it would've seen funny, but right now it is necessary. Cas' head disappeared inside the toilet, he gagged and spat out whatever he has eaten throughout the day. He didn't peak out his head until five minutes later, he reaches for toilet paper to clear his mouth of his own spit.

"Cas, what happened?", Sarah kneels next to him and plants the back of her hand to his forehead and cheek.

"I just stood up to quickly, and felt nauseous", he says. reclining on the tub.

"Cas, you feel on your knees and nearly passed out, if it weren't for us you could've hurt yourself and the baby", Sam confronted him and his lies.

"Sam", Sarah looked at her fiancé to settle him down with a glare.

Both Sam and Sarah look back at Castiel, who's head was hanging loosely like a buddle head doll. Still Cas manage to goofily smile with all his gums showing, "The doctor told me it's a girl"

Sarah huffed and pulled him in a hug, "I'm so happy for you", she soothes his hair.

"Yeah", is all he could say, his eyes gazing up with the opposite of a smile.

Sam and Sarah deserved a baby more than anyone else, but it wouldn't be right. _If_ , and that is a very big if, they take in the baby, Castiel would see the child occasionally, and to know that his child is being raised by other people. Inhumane feeling, but necessary action has to be taken, he can't do it, not without Dean. A child should have loving parents, or parent, that would give the world to their child, who are there to support their every event, Castiel can't even love the child. He is already a horrible parent, why bother putting the child through a dreadful childhood. He cannot and will not do that, she deserves better than her biological parents. Castiel goes into deep thought day and night, work and at home, in the shower and in the kitchen, he cannot see the child he carries with him.

All his life ever since he learned he was a carrier, he wanted to have children. It didn't matter how they were conceived, if it was a one night stand or not, a child is a blessing not to be thrown aside. Years later, Castile reflects if his younger self thoughts, how naïve of him he almost feels like he has betrayed himself. He has the perfect opportunity to raise a child by himself, like he has always imagined, and he ponders why he can't come to love his daughter. The answer is obvious if Castiel told him the whole story, but Castiel knows there is more to that.

The subject came up first with Sarah.

"I need to talk to you about something deeply important, Sarah, and I need you and Sam on my side. I wanted to speak with Sam too, but I feel like if I don't speak up now, I wont have the courage later on", he takes her hand and sits them both in the couch.

She developed a very intense frown, "Okay, I'm here to listen and support to you, Cas. No matter what, we wont leave"

Castiel tilts his head with a doubtful look, "I- I can't... I can't keep her, Sarah, I'm not strong enough and that is why I need to ask you a very difficult question", he cracks up and sniffle trying to refrain his sobs.

Sarah glances at him unclear to his words, "I don't understand what you are trying to tell me. Cas, what's going on?", she grips his hand.

Cas takes a breath and weakly laughs, "It's so hard, Sarah, everything is all just falling apart and I can't control it. I wish I could take everything of that night back, I regret not staying next to Dean that night, I regret and I regret, and I know it is not healthy. I love to imagine my live without that night, and I envy my fantasies. I couldn't control Ketch that night, I never fought back, I didn't even tell Dean because Ketch threatened to ruin everything has been working so hard in. I never had control- I thought I could have just a small taste of it when I found I was pregnant, but I don't. I was going to abort her, Sarah, I was going to do it but-", he took a breath and remember his last encounter with Ketch, "He stopped me, he came to my house and stopped me"

"Ketch was here!", Sarah jumped out of her chair and with disbelieve yelled, "Cas, why didn't you tell us? Did he hurt you, Cas? Tell me!", she kneels down to meet his shameful frown, she lifts his face, "Tell me what he did and I will take care of him myself"

"Sarah", he gasp for air, "he did it again, and I couldn't stop him. I just gave up, why-", he stops himself to laugh coldly, "Why do I continue to give in. I'm so tired of being treated like this, I want it all to go away, Sarah"

"Then do something about it, Castiel, when the pregnancy is over Sam will help you gather up a case against this bastard. You have actual video footage of him sexually harassing you and taking advantage of you. You caught him in the act and you are pregnant with  _his_ child, for Christ sakes. Castiel, you will win, there is no doubt about that"

"Sarah, I will press charges, but right now that is the last thing I want to think about. This is hard enough for myself and I can only imagine how you and Sam will feel. I can't keep her", he breathes. "I can't find a reason why I should, she deserves so much better. That's why I want to ask you and Sam if you would like to take her in as your own?"

Sarah stared at him in agape, her face couldn't be read as Castiel could only see shock and more shock. She blink thrice rapidly and she shook her head as if she didn't correctly hear his words. "I'm sorry, what? What?", she stands up and turns around to reach for then wine bottle. She opens a fresh one and pours herself an entire glass, she brings the bottle and glass to the table, "Let me get this straight... _you_ want _me and Sam_ to take in _your_ child? Am I getting this correctly?"

Castiel nods with his head slightly down, he wishes he could have a glass of his own.

"Oh dear", she breaths heavily, taking one long sip of her glass. Castiel watches in shock as he stares at her downing the whole glass down. And then pouring herself another glass. "Castiel, you realize what you are giving up, right? This is your child, you have always talk about the day you have your own, and now- you want to give it up to a bunch of clueless kids"

"Sarah, please understand. This child is my constant reminder of that day, I can't see myself being happy raising a child I never wanted. I was ready for a child with Dean, not with the monster that ripped my dignity. And you and Sam, I have always trusted Sam and he chose you to be his bride, so you must a brilliant woman. I trust and love you both dearly, that is why I want you both to take her. I'm not obligating you into anything, but please consider it", he take the glass away from her hands as she looked ready to down her second glass.

Her leg keeps bouncing, she looks restless not knowing how on earth to respond. "Cas", she brings her head into her hands, "Oh my god, a child- I mean, that is a huge responsibility, and we just got engaged. I don't- well, I need to talk to Sam first-"

"I'm in", Sam appears from the living room to the kitchen, "I mean, if Sarah is cool with it, I would definitely take her", he gulps and settles himself down on a chair.

 Sarah sighs and gulps down half of her glass, she shakes her head, "I need another two bottles and a right mind to come a decision, Cas. Sam is on board, and I'm not promising anything, but I will put a lot of thought into it"

"That's all I ask"

 

Dean sat down, listening and listening and listening, until he forgot what he was listening to. He looks up after staring at the floor throughout the whole meeting, Ketch was standing in the same spot, explaining the company’s progress and financial stability throughout the next years. He should be taking notes, and listening to his boss, everything he is saying is vital for Dean in his position. That is why he hired a secretary, she is copying half of the PowerPoint down as it seems by the stack of notes on her lap. Isabelle must of seen him doze off, she sees him from the corner of her eye and smile. 

“Finally came back to earth I see”, she whispered with a small laugh. 

“Sorry about that, Belle. I don’t know what wrong with me today”, Dean replies, pressing down on his eyes and rubbing them. 

“Don’t worry about it Mr. Winchester, I took all the notes you’ll need”, she says looking back at the screen to take more notes on her pad. 

“Thank you, I owe you”

Isabelle shrugs, “It’s my job, sir”

Dean doesn’t argue with her and tries to pay attention to Ketch but all he can see is the nasty bastard in the hospital after his done with him. Is it cruel? Like, truly horrendous? Is it shocking for Dean to think of such way? The answers to all of them should have been no, he hates the asshole. Dean is done blaming himself for his failed marriage. No more of it, it’s not health or correct. He just made a mistake in choosing a cheater for a huaband, silly mistake. Everyone does mistakes, even Castiel’s parents. So nobody is perfect, and nobody will be, but do you have to fucking cheat in the same bed you sleep with your husband! 

He scrunches his nose in anger towards Ketch, his eyes follow the man like prey. How can he live with himself knowing he ruined a marriage? He should die a painful death, and still that pain cannot and will not compare to Dean’s constant agony. Fuck!

He still misses him! Why?!. “Why me, fucking God? Why me”, he asks himself in the restroom of his small apartment that he has moved in. Those moments are humiliating- crying for a man who doesnt want him- degrading. He is tempted by his phone to unblock his number, he knows it’s a step back to the progress his made. Which is zero, but still a very small progress- he just wants to see the messages from happier times. He probably has saved some voice recordings in there somewhere, nearly 300 pics of Castiel, and 200 some of them two together. And he looks at all of them, one by one, gulping down the bottle as he does. Yes, he looks pathetic, Dean searches comfort from old photographs. 

Dean drives to his small, sad apartment and makes himself a quick snack to start doing all the work he ignored. Usually he would love to stay all day at the office but Ketch just would not leave, it is as he would purposely stand outside his office. He wishes Isabelle a goodnight and the rest of his colleagues.

Dean doesn’t make it to bed until 2 am, and when he does all he looks at is at Castiel’s block number. All he has to do is press the ‘unblock’ button, but the red print makes him hesitate. If a number is blocked, it’s blocked for a reason, the color red presents the anger and the decision you took that day to block the person. That why the ‘cancel’ button is blue, it’s the good choice to make. But Dean goes with the red choice.

He scrolls through the last messages they ever texted each other. 

**Cas** : **_I’m heading to the restaurant already, you need anything?_**

**Dean _: No baby I’m set :). Meet you there._**

**Cas _: Of course, drive safe, and don’t eat and drive!_**

**Cas _: I’m serious_**

**Dean _: don’t yell at me today, it’s my birthday._**

**Cas _: so you want a ticket for eating and driving, on your birthday._**

**Dean _: course not but I would appreciated if you didn’t act like a mother hen for just a day._**

**Cas _: No._**

**Dean _: I can’t find the middle finger emoji so pretend it’s there._**

**Cas _: You are intolerable._**

Dean chuckles at his response, he keeps scrolling and sees two more text messages late at the same night that he hadn’t seen before. 

**Cas** : Dean, where are you? I think I should probably go home, sorry baby, I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you and happy birthday! 

That message was sent at 8:56 pm, Dean frowns as he has never seen this in his life. He literally confessed of going home, to fuck Ketch, and he was smart because he knew Dean wouldn’t come home until late hours. Enough time to do so much in their bed. 

But then he sees the very one.

**Cas** : **_Dee I’m sorry it’s him Ket_**

Sent at 9:27 pm. 

Dean didn’t come home until 2 am. 

Castiel admites it, he cheated, he spent seven hours fucking around with Ketch and had the audacity to do on his birthday. And his sorry- what does that even mean! Sorry has no absolute meaning anymore, it is just a word used to manipulate people to forgive them. Dean doesn’t know what Castiel’s game is here but he is not winning. 

After four months of avoiding each other, through the divorce and calls, Dean types. 

**Dean** : **_So you admit it, you cheated. There’s no reason to lie to me anymore, just tell me the truth and I won’t bother you anymore. All I need from you is the God honest truth, I know the truth because I saw you that night. Now I need for you to accept the fact that you did, and what you have become. Please, the truth._**

He inhales and sends, immediately he drops his phone to the floor regretting his decision. He brings his hands to the back of his head to breath, he cannot belive he just did that. After months of cursing the man, he texted him first. He tentatively picks up his phone to check for any response, it reads t hasn’t been open yet. He breath heavily though he still knows he is majorly screwed. He thinks of waiting for response but remembers the time, Castiel is probably dead asleep. Or hopefully just dead. 

With his heart beating against his chest, ready to burst with shame but closes his eyes and leaves his phone on night mode. He turns his whole body away from the night stand to ignore the anxiety the phone is giving him. Knowing by the end to tomorrow night, he will have a response. 

Hopefully. 

 

Castiel, he sees the message as soon as it appears on his screen. He doesn’t open it, but he re- reads it, again and again and again. First shock enters him, he stands up from his desk, he makes sure it is Dean for starters. He can’t believe it him texting him, after so long, why now? 

To gsther his thoughts he writes on a piece of paper. 

_Dean, what you saw that night- we need to talk about. I know that you must be a mess even now, I know you Dean, don’t deny it. And I know you blame me for our divorce, but you don’t even know half of the truth. I’ve kept so much from you, so you could be happy. I’ve sacrificed more than I should, I kept my mouth shut for long and I was very aware of the damage it would cause. I took a risk for you, an it conclude just how I imagine, horribly wrong. Ketch, was my secret, but I don’t want to speak about him through text. I want us to communicate like wrong adults, face to face, I will give you answers and I will explain everything. I’m just hopeful you believe me._

He place his pencil down and left his desk to get ready for bed. 

He send the message the next morning around 11 am. Dean replies back at exactly 12 pm. 

**Dean** : **_What truth, Cas? You and Sam have been hiding something from, and it hurts that you told my brother the apparent truth, before me._**

**Dean** : _**I was your husband and you kept so much shit from me. How could you? I thought you trusted me enough to tell me anything. And then above everything else, you went behind my back and fucked my boss, on our bed!**_

**Dean** **: I’m never going to forgive you.**

**Dean** **: But I will listen to your side, don’t think I will belive every single bullshit you say.**

Castielsaw that as a step forward. Then starts to think if meeting up will resolve anything, why bother say his side if the other party won’t have an open mind. 

**Cas** : _**Dean, I will talk with you only if you bring a clear mind. What would the point be if you come to me with thoughts like that. Let’s acts like adults and start from the beginning. You want to know the truth, and so I will tell you the truth. But let’s be civilized.**_

Cas holds his breath, Dean won’t like his response but surprisingly he replies simply. 

**Dean** : **_Okay, fine, I will try to meet you with an open mind but that doesn’t excuse everything you’ve done. The only person who should be civilized is you._**

Cas feels sick at the message, his frown turned to a melancholic face. He turns off his phone and spins his chair to the face the spread window. He stand and rests his head, he takes a glance down and knows how simply it is to open the window and jump off. People should really take off the handle in the windows to high story buildings. Horribly chocie. 

He hears his phone go off again and checks to find Sam, asking him what he wants for dinner tonight. He answers quick without a thought, and concludes not telling Sam about the meeting. 

What he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him. 

Nostalgia brings him back to when he first said those words. 

_“Castiel, you know exactly what will happen if you speak, right?”, Ketch circles his chair and his hand dances around his neck. ”Little poor Dean, won’t believe you, and if he does I will personally fire him, but let’s be honest he won’t. Castiel, my darling, you need to understand something about me and my position.” He massages Castiel’s shoulders and bends down to his ear, “No matter how much prove you have, you will never win. The sad, little weak, victim will never win, and that is the the truth you have to face. So you either shut your mouth or I will ruin your life”_

_He para his shoulders hard enough to make Castiel flinch up his chair._

_“Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you, Cas?”, he moves in front of Cas and squads down. His hand travels through the inside of his right thigh and with ultimate fear, Castiel doesn’t make an attempt to stop him._

_He faces away and makes Ketch’s hand disappear, he ignores the humiliation. He nods, biting his lower lip._

_“That’s good, I’m happy you are compliant to me. Dean must be very happy with you and your obidience”, his thumb trails areas Ketch had no constant to touch. His fingers soon palm all of him tightly. Castiel jumps giving Ketch a better opportunity, Cas tries to move away put Ketch holds him down._

_“I won’t speak a word, not to anyone, not to my family, not to Dean, not to God. I swear it on my favorite brother's grave- just stop-“, Castiel pleads making Ketch laugh, “Please, Dean is next door-“, he pauses when Ketch removes his hand._

_“Are you afraid of Dean finding out, my love?”, he tilts his head, and catching Cas off guard, he grabs his zipper and pulls it down._

_Castiel latches on to his hand and claws it, this time not letting Ketch degrade him in a public office. “No, enough”, he hisses quietly._

_“It’s never enough”, with his unused hand he grasp his neck and holds on to it. He quickly snakes his hand into Castiel’s jeans, “I say when it’s enough, you don’t take the call in this. Your mine.”_

_What Dean doesn’t know, won’t hurt him._

_Yet._


	6. Chapter 6

It's during an early Sunday morning, when the sun appears with its violent rays expressing each other. The heat showed up much quicker than regular years, climate change, Castiel would say as he would shake his head. And of course he is correct, summer comes in quicker and leave too late, but the winters are brutal yet short. Especially if you fought them alone. 

Castiel didn’t experience any season alone, when it was cold, him and Dean would time each other how long they could stay outside. I’m the summer, down in Arizona, they tried cooking an egg outside (it work). In the fall, Castiel would collect all the crusty leaves and pile them together so later on Dean could tumble on them. They did idiotic stuff for the most part of their relationship, and all the stupidity was what both of them missed then most. 

Castiel wanted to choose a meaningful place to put Dean in comfort for some part, but he went against it. He didn’t want to seem all cliche or desperate to get Dean back, he wasn’t even though he misses him. He won’t chase after a man who has given up on him, Dean betrayed him by thinking in such ways. So he won’t be weak anymore, he will sit up straight and look like he has worth to the public. 

It’s a small restaurant around three streets of their old house, they always wanted to come and eat here as soon as it opened. Time is a kill joy. 

Cas searches his closet for the biggest shirt he could find, all of them old and dirty, some even with holes. He couldn’t wear his coat in 80 degrees weather, it would be obvious he’s hiding something. He thinks about borrowing a shirt from Sam but they are all mostly flannel, Dean would notice since Castiel is disgusted by them. Cas has no other choice but to wear a black shirt with the print of his favorite band Queen, he remembers buying it in a extra large because it was the only size left. He mostly wore the shirt for lazy Sundays, or cleaning Wednesday’s. 

He drives his car to the small restaurant, as he parks he sees the Impala parked right in front of the building. Castiel plays it safe and parks away from the car as much as possible, he rubs his tired face and sniffles. He looks in the mirror and sees a man that not even his parents would recognize. He’s starting to regret ever responding back but it’s vital, and well he can’t go back now. He exits his car with a hunched back, Castiel enters and the sweet smell of fresh brewed coffee hits him with the scent of thick wood from the floors. The restaurant seemed to be owned by a millennial, the way structure was set is very modern. Light bulbs hanging from the ceiling, red chairs, a small bar on the end, there were political statements on a bulletin board, he also picked up the smell of lavender. Many of the costumers already sitting down were around his age, some obvious college students as they drank their coffee and type of their computers. Everyone in the restaurant looked tired, suddenly Castiel didn’t feel so alone. 

The only person who didn’t seem as if the world was balancing on their shoulders is Dean, who is sitting on a corner small table. There was an empty chair in front of him, and he kept staring at it as if studying how he would plug the knife he had on hand into Castiel’s chest. Dean didn’t look up when Castiel arrived, strangely out of all directions Cas could’ve looked at he took the direction of which Dean was sitting in. He gulp, dreading that he found him so quickly, he took a breathe and held his chest from collapsing. He steadily walk forward on his tip toes, not trying to make the wood squeak, he arrived at the table and his hand shook when it touched the cold furniture. He shivered when Dean snapped his head up and his eyes turned cold, he recollected himself and turned his face away. Castiel took the chance to carefully sit down without making so much noice, he doesn’t know why he is scared of making noice. He was never scared of Dean, maybe it’s not fear, maybe it’s getting his approval again. 

“Dean”, he nods his head as he licks his lips, he notices that Dean hasn’t turned his head to face him. So childish of him, but fair. He wants to speak again, but cannot bring himself to say something, his brain is stuck with his thoughts all crammed up. “Please- just please, hear me out and then judge me”

Dena scoffed, “I already am, but sure tell the tale of how you slept with my boss and how wonderfully you feel in love with him. But before you do- may I ask you something?”, he said dryly with the hint of dead around his eyes. 

Cas doesn’t want to nod, but he still does. 

“Did it hurt when he dump you? Did you regret spreading you legs for him right after he knew I found out? Did you like the thrill of keeping it all a secret?”

”That’s more than one question”

”Answer me dammit!”, he growls, slamming his hand on the table, causing a few heads to turn.

Castiel swallows, he bows his head down and knots his fingers up. How do you explain to the love of your life that you had to let yourself be repeatedly molested and raped, just so they could keep their job? How do you explain that you were so weak you could never speak up because you were afraid? How? Just how do you say all of that? It may sound so idiotic to people and that is why people don’t believe victims, because they ask themselves, “Why didn’t you scream for help?”, “You don’t just let someone rape you, you have to fight back”, “It happened because you let it happen”. 

You can’t just scream for help, your life at that moment is on the line, literally. It’s either take it or slowly die while being held down against your will. No one should die like that, no one. You can’t scream because they’ve taken your voice. They silence you, to the point where you can’t fight back. You loose the will to fight as you loose your voice. It is as if your nothing to the world , because what are you when you loose your God giving right to speak? No one lets it happen, it should never happen to begin with. And yet people have the audacity to doubt the survivors. A battle occurs within a survivor, and a war occurs between the rapist and the survivor. Once the rapist wins the war, they win the battle as well. 

Ketch is winning. 

“Dean- you won’t believe me”

”Try me”

Castiel sighs, “Ketch and I were never a thing”, he is interrupted by Dean’s cold hard laugh, “...I know it’s seems to the opposite for you but it’s the truth, he’s a monster Dean. I see the Devil when I’m with that man”, his time changes from quiet to horrified, he holds his breath to oppress his threatening tears. 

This catches Dean’s attention, he eyes Cas’ form, how his shoulders hunched in submission at the name of Ketch. He caught his eyes, and gazed at a petrified man.

”You’re not making sense. Are you seriously lying to me right now? To my face? How fucking dare you-“

”Will you let me finish?”, he hissed, carving his eyes on Dean. “What Ketch did to me- no one believes me- not even my own family. Sam and Sarah are the only ones who know the truth, they’ve seen the prove that I have-“

”Wait- you have prove of what? I’m not following you here”

”Of what Ketch did. Of what he has been doing to me for more than a year”

By this point Dean has become irritated, he has noticed that Cas has been avoiding what prove he has. He roughly interjects again. “I don’t have all fucking day, Cas, either you tell me the truth or I’m walkign out. So what is it going to be?”

”It’s not that easy, Dean, it’s a very delicate subject for me to talk about. I can’t do it right now-“, he sees Dean reach for him wallet and drop a ten dollar bill and stand up from his seat, “Where are you going?”

”Like I said, I ain’t got all day, and you are just wasting my precious time. So, goodbye Cas,’ may hell treat you wrong for eternity”, he bows sarcastically and turns around to exit the restaurant. 

Castiel chases after him, to the parking lot. “Dean- please told me you would come here to meet with me with an open mind. What happened to that?”

”Well I don’t know Cas- What happened to not cheating on your husband, who you vowed to stay loyal to? What happened to all of that?”, he spins around to come face to face with Cas, “You destroyed everything Cas, you should’ve told me you weren’t happy with me anymore, not go behind my back  and fuck my boss. I truly never expected that side of you, I never thought that there was a side of you like that, you shocked me completely. No matter what you say or do, it won’t change my mind of what I saw that night”

”And what exactly did you see thy night, Dean? Tell me what you saw?”

”I saw my husband on his stomach taking it up the ass by my boss, and they were both enjoying themselves. I heard you, you nasty whore, you were moaning and calling his name. That what I had to come upstairs to, after my freaking birthday celebration”, he turns back around to his car.

”Maybe if you would stop walking away from me I could show you my prove. Dean I’m innocent-“

”No! Screw you, Castiel! You mean nothing to me, you’ve broken me and I hate you for it! I love you- fuck me I still do- and that’s how evil you are.”, he opens his car door and says, “And I hope next time you wake up is in hell”

Since Castiel’s voice had been taken, he didn’t know how to yell out for him. He had lost his will to fight, so he’s nothing. 

He’s nothing to Dean, he’s nothing to the world. 

 

Dean drove his way up to a bar and called Sam. 

“Samuel John Winchester! I am going to murder you slowly! What in the hell do you know about Cas? I swear to fucking God, if you knew about what Cas was doing the whole time, I will disown you!”, he left the message and threw his phone to the side. When he parked the car on the side of the bar, his phone rang. 

“Dean, what the fuck was all that about?”, Sam sounded baffled and conflicted.

"Don't give me that crap, tell me what the fuck you know about Cas and Ketch. The son of a bitch keeps stalling when I gave him his goddamn opportunity to redeem himself.", Dean spats out violently and waits for Sam's answers but there is none, "Sam! Sam, you better fucking answer me", his anger vanishes as a wave of heavy emotions takes a toll on him.

"So you talked to him?", Sam responds.

That was not what Dean was looking for, he ends the call and violently smashes his phone against the steering wheel. He drops the phone and drops his head, gripping the wheel so tightly the leather became uncomfortable on his skin. He hears his phone go off, then twice, then again, and then once more. The cracked screen never died down, he didn't feel like drinking as he already felt like vomiting. He drives back to his apartment and finds Sam and Sarah looking both troubled, their heads turn as they hear the Impala's engine. He growls and harshly steps out of his car, he slams the door shut and marches to his brother.

Sam sees Dean's demons glow in his eyes, he ducks his brother's fist and tackles him to the floor. Dean knees him on the stomach, making Sam cough and ease off of him. Dean takes advantage and flips his brother down to the floor and holds him down. "You fucker, how dare you?!"

Sam decides to take a swing of his own and knocks his brother off of him immediately, before Dean could get on his feet. He felt sharp nails pull at his ear and violently tug his ear down, Dean moves his gaze upwards and sees Sarah and her big hand backhand him to the floor.

"How dare YOU!?. That's the real question, get your ass up right now, Dean Winchester", she barks orders at him, as he moves to her fiancé to help him up.

Dean caresses his red cheek, he feels the sting and the sensation of tears threatening to fall down. "You two are really meant for each other", he snarky remarks.

Sarah lunges towards Dean but is held back by Sam, he shakes his head saying 'it's not worth it'.

"Listen, Dean, we did not drive here to pick up a fight with you. We came here to talk to you, so please can you grow up and listen for once", Sam walk up to him and stood nose to nose with his brother.

"Listen? All I do is listen to people, and it's usually nonsense, so tell me Sam, why should I listen to you?"

"Because I'm you brother, and if you wont listen to your husband than maybe you can listen to me and Sarah"

Sarah then speaks up, "Dean, please, just listen to us. Give us five minutes, that's all we ask of you"

Dean huffs and annoyingly nods, "Fine, but I sense bullshit I swear-"

"Cas didn't cheat!", Sam blurted out.

"Bullshit! I've heard enough", Dean waves his hands up and turns back.

"Dean! Don't you think it's weird that a man with anxiety, who has been suffering from it since his childhood would just open up to another man like that. It took you months before you could get anywhere with Cas, you honestly think he would do that to you? If you believe everything you see than you have to be the most blind and ignorant person I've ever meet", Sam says.

"Why does everyone keep saying what they want to say without saying it? Just fucking tell me? Enough of this, enough lies, enough secrets. Enough!", he sinks down to the pavement and lays his head in between his legs.

He feels the tender arms of his soon to be sister-in-law and brother gather him in theirs. "Dean, if you've had enough imagine how Castiel is feeling", Sam says and sees how that catches Dean's attention.

"The hell do you mean?", he weakly gazes up with dead eyes.

Sam and Sarah look at each other for a second and speak with their eyes, "It's not us that should tell you this, you need to here it from Cas. It's the only way, it's the only right way."

Sarah's phone goes off and she checks it, "It's Cas, he says he's back at the house", she gazes up at Sam and Dean. Sam nods and helps Dean stand up and get him to the back seat of his car.

"What are you doing, Sam?", Dean blurs out as he falls on the back seat.

"Helping you get your husband back"

Dean groans and let's his head fall back. He doesn't want to go back to that dirty house. He remembers the day he first saw it, his emotions now were the complete opposite then.

_"Cas you better not hurt my baby, I'm trusting you", Dean gripped Cas' thigh, looking at his direction but all he could see in darkness through the blindfold._

_"You try to convince me that you love me more than this car, and it's comments like that make me think you are lying to me.", Cas slapped Dean's hand away from his leg._

_"Don't be so dramatic, give me a kiss", he presses his lips together and makes smooching noises._

_"I can't I'm driving"_

_Dean, even though blindfolded, Cas could still see his deep confusion, "Wait, so I can give you head while driving, but you can't give me a kiss"_

_Castiel shook his head slowly, "Exactly"_

_Dean huffed and sat back with his arms crossed, he waited patiently until his car came to an ultimate stop. Dean didn't have a clue where Castiel is taking them, although he does know it takes them more than thirty minutes through traffic, passing by a park by the noises of children and mothers, an Italian restaurant, and maybe a school? A high school? He heard voices of teenagers laughing and fooling around, making plans for the weekend as they made a stop to make a turn._

_"Can I take this stupid thing off now?", Dean frustrated tried to tug off his fold, Castiel was quick to smack his hands off again._

_"Not yet, wait until I open the door", he explains and exits the car._

_"Uuhh I feel so spoiled", he dryly speaks in sarcasm, he turns his head when he hears the door open. "This better be good, Cas"_

_"Me too"_

_Dean could picture him rubbing his hands on his jeans, his forehead filled with worried frown lines, a dry throat from constant doubt in himself. His voice no longer sounded sure if he should do this, also it took him longer for him to take action. Dean turned and wrapped one arms around him to kiss his check, then grabbed his chin to direct one on his lips. He smiled, "I'm sorry for being a dick, there I apologized, so now may I please take off the damn thing off?"_

_Cas smiled and shook his head, "Alright, just stand a here and stay still", Cas moved him forward and stopped him a few feet._

_"Now?", Dean questioned impatiently._

_"Yes, now"_

_Dean ripped the blindfold off his head and looked around his surroundings, the suburbs? All clean, white picket house, with two cars in the drive way, fresh clean lawns, and beautiful healthy clean trees decorating their front yard. And in front Dean stood a house, painted in a white shit with black painted windows and around the corners. Green bushes surrounded the house, with trees that carried pink flowers on them. The grass smelled freshly cut. Dean counted three floors and a roof terrace, beautiful house designed. It’s seemed familiar although he had never seen the street before or even arrived in this part of the neighborhood, the house in front of him had a familiar design._

_”What’s the surprise, baby?”, Dean asked with a funny frown, as he looked around for anything ‘surprising’._

_Castiel’s nervous smile vanished and it turned into a complete anguish. He cradled his fingers into his hands and pointed at the house. “The house, Dean. It’s yours, I made it for you”, he said timidly, now that he thinks of it, it’s a horribly idea. He should’ve asked Dean for his approval first before beginning construction._

_Dean’s eyes grew in shock, he blinked and glanced back the house. “What?”, he said lowly, “But- What- How?”, he stuttered._

_“I don’t know if you remember, but I had to design a house for class years ago, we barely began to go out. And well I technically designed a house with you in thought. I thought of everything you could possibly need and deserved, so...do you like it?”, he lowered his head, with his shoulders hunched._

_Dean laughed in disbelief, he grabbed Castiel’s chin and kissed him firmedly in the lips. With both of his hands on his cheeks, he slowly enhances passion in the kiss. Words were never his thing._

_Dean parts them and he stares at the love of his life like he the last thing he wants to see when he dies. “So- you’re telling me that the house you designed all those years ago was for me?”, he laughed once again._

_Cas timidly nodded his head, with face and ears flushed._

_“Oh my god- I love you”, he breathed and gazed at his life with admiration and pure love. “I love you so damn much”, he holds him in a firm hug and breathes in his cologne._

_“I’m so glad you like it, I was worried for a second”, Cas admits._

_”Baby, I would’ve been happy with anything. But this-“, he points at the biggest house he has ever seen, “is beyond anything anyone has done for me. I just can’t believe- are you sure you’re not pranking me or something?”_

_Castiel turned serious, “Dean, I would never do such a thing as lie to you about giving you a house. I designed this house thinking it was useless because I thought I would never end up making you happy. But here we are”, he laughs shyly._

_”I’m the happiest man alive, every moment with you is like an hour in heaven. I wouldn’t ask for anything better”_

 

Dean falls asleep in the back seat of his car, he awakens at the slam shut of the front doors. He ignores Sarah when she opens his door and tell him to come out. Dean does hear her say that she’s got and tells Sam to go inside the house. He sees Sam leave and Sarah getting in front of his view, he turns away from her and slides to the other side of the car. 

“Seriously, Dean? You really goona be acting like a kid at this particular moment?”, Sarah speaks unimpressively. 

“I’m not going back inside that house”

”Oh, grow the hell up. Castiwl has lived hells in that house and he still sleeps in that house”, she barks. 

Dean looks back at her with a very unique confusing frown, “What in the flying fuck are you talking about?”, he crosses his arms, but still not wanting to step out. 

“If you wanna know, you gotta step out. Now.”

”No”, Dean says as he glances straight at the windshield. 

“Oh for the love of-“, she takes a black rectangle out of her purse and gets in the car next to Dean. She shows it off to Dean. 

“Jesus, Sarah! Why the hell do you have a taser with you?”, Dean jumps back as she turns it on and threatens to use it on him. 

“I’m a woman in Boston, Dean, a pretty face like mine needs one”, she zaps the taser again, “Now, step out of the car before I tase you and carry you inside the house”, she smiles with a dent to her. 

Dean doesn’t take a chance and opens the door, quickly steeping out of it. He watches his back to see Sarah following him through the same way he exited, she didn’t look amused.

”Hurry up, Winchester!”, she starts chasing him.

”Hey, no!”, Dean sprints but not the front door, he jumps the black picked fence that leads to the back yard. He backs away as Sarah puts her arms through the bars. “This is none of your business, this is between me and Cas. So if I were you and Sam, I would fuck off.”

”Oh please, Dean, if it weren’t for and Sam, Castiwl would’ve been long gone. It is you who should be apologizing to him-“

”Sarah”, a small timid voice comes from behind Dean, he groans inwardly and turns around to meet his eyes.

”You again”, he pouts. 

“Dean”, Sam’s voice is heard, “Get inside the house”

”Or what? What are you gonna do? you already beat my ass outside my apartment, your fiancé chased me with a taser, and you two have dragged me all the way back to the house my husband cheated on me with. So what else do you three have planned for me?”, he extends his arms and looks around at the three faces glancing right at him, with the same expression. 

Sarah climbs over the fence and pulls the taser at his neck, “I will not repeat myself again, get inside the house”

”Tase me and I’ll sue”

”Sue me, my fiancé will have my back, I can’t say your brother will have yours”, she smiled falsely. 

“Please- Dean, just go peacefully inside. I have to show you something”, Cas settled in front of Sarah, taking the taser away from her. 

Dean wasn’t happy, but appreciated Cas not wanting to tase him. So he complied, he thought of jumping over the fence leading to the neighbors but remembered they had a big dog that doesn’t take a liking to Dean. Not since Dean accidentally threw away his favorite toy. He had no other choice but to march to the back door and settle himself down. He waited patiently with his arms crossed, he faced Cas. 

“What is it that you couldn’t show me earlier?”

”What I couldn’t tell you earlier”

Cas walked up the staircases, he knew Dean was following him because he could smell his cologne. It’s his favorite, Castiel makes sure every Christmas and birthday he gets a new one. He never chooses to try a different one, says that he didn’t have to get another another one if he already knows what to use. Cas leads them inside the guest room he has been using for the last four months. Dean notices the obvious choice of different rooms, he sees that the last room at the end off the hall has the door closed. The master bedroom never had its door closed, no door in the house had the door closed and know all of them were shut. Dean doesn’t care all that much to ask, he just follows Cas to the room and takes a seat where he is told to. Castiel digs inside the small closet, Dean recognizes all Cas’ clothing, that makes him wonder if he had been sleeping here now. He takes a quick look around the room and sees all his belongings here, his laptop, his designs, photographs, etc. 

Cas stands up with a box in his hands, he places it on the bed in between them and opens it. He takes out a yellow envelop and CDs. He hands the folders to Dean first.

”What’s this?”

”Pictures”, he gets his laptop as he closes the door, as much as he loves Sam and Sarah he does now want them to hear any of it. 

Dean rolls his eyes at the blunt response, he opens the thick envelop to see the pictures are turned around. He flips them around and sees a picture of Cas- a selfie  more like- his shirtless with his body full of bruises of all shapes and sizes and colors. Most purple with the edges yellow. He wants to glance up at Cas for an answer but is to intrigued at the second picture. He is wearing his boxer briefs, they were rolled up just a bit up to shoe bite marks on both of his inner thighs. The next one is a more private, he wasn’t wearing anything waist down, Dean is getting a full glance at how purple Cas’ penis was that night. He had been repeatedly kicked in the stomach to stop moving to much, when that didn’t accomplish the mission Ketch starting aiming for his private area. On the picture it also demonstrates just how hard Ketch manhandled him that night. His fingers had imprinted themselves on his hips, his nails scrapped from his ass to his genitals. Dean could see through all the bruising the red lines as they continue all the way down to his knees. 

Dean continued to flip through all the pictures, one showing how his hands were at one point tied up. The red deep scaring, was intensely shown by the blood drawn out. Castiel had set up the camera to take pictures of his back, as it looked to be whipped, not severely, but being whipped is no laughable joke. Leather breaks the tender skin. One by one, each picture getting more gruesome and detailed by the next. The last one was of Castiel, he took a selfie of his damaged face. His nose was busted up, he tried cleaning up his nose with a Kleenex, on the end of his left eye there was an open wound that didn’t seem to stop. His left cheekbone was half swollen, his lips were busted and bitten as they were both dry with blood. 

“Cas...what-What is this?”, he gulps down and flips through all the photographs again. 

“I have videos too, here”, Cas ignores he question and passes him the laptop, putting away the photos. 

Dean presses play, the screen was dark but noise could be heard. He hears the sound of an door being opened, and then the lights were flipped on. _Ketch and Castiel, they both entered, more like Ketch half carried Cas inside. Ketch throws the keys to the side and faces Cas, who was know against the wall holding on to it, Ketch unzips his thick sweater and lets it drop to the floor. Castiel knows what is about to happen so he tries to stop him by pushing him away, Ketch grips his wrist and clings to his neck by his teeth. He sucks the skin and loves the way Castiel hisses._

_“Get off of me!”, Castiel attempts to kick him but Ketch throws him into the floor._

_”You won’t do anything, your precious husband isn’t here to protect you. So tonight it is you and me”, he wickedly smiles at Cas, he takes advantage at how drugged he is and takes him the hair up the stairs. Castiel struggles but only adds more to him pain._

_“Let me go!”, he fights weakly as the world seemed to fade away, the light was clear and visible, but the figures were just all disappearing._

The camera switches to the footage of the upstairs footage. It shows Ketch dragging Castiel by the hair to the master bedroom. Then the camera appear to be on the center of the room, directly pointing at the bed. 

“ _Please, Ketch, don’t do this. Not today, it’s Dean's birthday, I just got his back”, Castiel hazily wonders around the room as he placed below his soon to be rapist._

_Ketch ignores him completely and flips Castiel over to his stomach, that is when Castiel starts to plead and beg for him to stop._

Dean pauses it and shuts the laptop of, he leans forward to his body and breathes. 

“But Dean, you’re going to miss the best part. You don’t wanna see the part where he is tearing my clothes off, my personal favorite was when he was forcing me to moan and say thank you for giving me attention”, his voice was bitter with hurt. 

“Cas-“, he is lost at words, he cannot look at him in the eye because he doesn’t know how to react. 

Sammy is right he’s the most blind person in the planet. He’s a monster. 


	7. Chapter 7

“How long?”

”What?”

”You know what?! Don’t act stupid. How long, Castiel?”

”I don’t know exactly, probably the third time he came over to the house”, Cas rubbed his eyes and turned away from Dean. 

“What!?”, Dean shot up from the bed and walked up to Cas’ face demanding answers. 

“Dean-“, he tried to explain. 

“Almost two years, Cas, two years he has been tormenting you and now- now you tell me, when everything has gone to shit. Castiel, he raped you.”, his tone turned low and miserable, “And I’m not blaming you, that’s the last thing I’m going to do to you. But why the hell didn’t you tell me what was going on?!”, he slams his fist to the nearest wall. 

Castiel gulps and faces down to his feet, he flinched when Dean started to caress his cheeks. He pushed himself away from Dean even though he craves for the touch of the man he loves, he knows deep down that Dean added more to his agony. He cannot forgive him, even though he is still in love with him. 

“Because I couldn’t face you and tell you. To this day I can’t, why do you think I showed you a video or the pictures”, Cas scrambles around the room, pointing at the direction of the objects”, I can’t tell you face to face Dean, because I’m so ashamed”, he brakes. 

Dean huffs, “Of what, Cas? This wasn’t your fault, please tell me it wasn’t, right? You didn’t lead him on and then regret it?”

”What- Dean, god no- he... it was always him, it has always been him. He is the reason of all of this. I need you to belive me, I would have never cheated on you, I love you too much to do that to you. Dean you meant the world to me”, he paused, “and Ketch, he knew that, he used me for torture. He wanted to know how far he could go before I went home crying to you about him.”

”And would you have ever?”

”No. That night, if you hadn’t come home and saw what you saw, I wouldn’t had told you what he did.”, he shrugged and sat down to stare out the window. 

“Why did you let him, Cas? You’re strong than to let him degrade you like that. Anxiety can only go so far”

”Dean! He played with me, he played with my emotions every single time I was with him! He made me doubt your love for me, he made me think that no one would belive me! And I believed him, that is why I never said anything. I couldn’t bare you leaving me because I was weak, so no Dean, I’m not stronger than that”, he spat bitterly at the end. 

Dean kicked the small cabinet next to him, he placed his head on the wall to concentrate on his breathing. His nose and eyes began to feel heavy as his breathing only became worse. Until finally his despair and guilt poured out and wrote themselves as tears. Each drop that would roll down his face told a story, more like a phrase he would use to describe Castiel after the ‘affair’. Dean remembers the bitterness he felt for the man, but now he feels bitterness for the world. He should’ve known better, he should’ve listened to Sam earlier, he should’ve paid attention to Cas. 

He should’ve done so many fucking things. Why didn’t he then?

But nothing about Castiel had changed, it is as if Cas had covered the black area with a grin from the world. Everyone fell for the grin, he could tell stories and act like a real charmer around Ketch, but the real truth hid behind the black area. Castiel carries on with a smile, because if he didn’t people would start to notice, and that is the last thing he wanted. He never wanted people to stare and point at the man who cried rape. 

“Cas- Cas, I’m sorry”

”I don’t know what to say to that, Dean, and I say it truthfully.”

”I don’t expect you to forgive me-“

”I don’t think I ever will”

”...okay”, he turns around and sighs, his tone and mood were contradicting each other. 

“Dean”, Castiel said slowly, “I know you were hurt as much as I was, but you need to see things from my perspective. You saw what you say was an ‘affair’, and you left it at that, you sent me divorce papers within weeks without a call or text back. But no, trust me when I say that, that was not the worst part, worst being that _you_ thoughtI would cheat. How and why would I cheat? Dean, tell me please because I don’t know, you out of all people should know how hard I struggle to open up to someone”

”I know, Cas, I know”, Dean speaks finally in a defeated tone. 

“No, you don’t know! Because if you knew, you would know I would never be capable of that! I lost you Dean”, his voice disappears as so his eyes to his glassy tears, “I lost you when I needed you the most. And to know what you thought of me when you left, was probably the worst conclusion to our marriage. I’m not capable of cheating, Dean, I think you should know that”

”I know, Cas. Deep down inside, I think I always knew something was off but I was just filled with so much rage because I gave you my everything and you just destroyed it. That was my train of thought for months, just anger after constant pity parties, it’s really pathetic. In my head I kept blaming my own self for letting my guard down, and Cas, you need to know that I couldn’t face you either. I couldn’t face the man who has broken me, I couldn’t give you the satisfaction of you seeing me and knowing you won whatever game you were playing at. I cannot begin to compare my last months with yours, because it just wouldn’t be fair, it would be selfish of me, so I won’t. Don’t forgive , I can live with that”

”You’re lying”, Cas replies bluntly, “Don’t lie Dean, it hasn’t giving us anything good”

Dean gulps and switches the subject, “You said you love me”

Cas frowns, “What? No I didn’t”

”Don’t lie to me, no more lies. And no more secrets”

”Fine! No more lies, and no more secrets! Happy?!”

”No, I won’t ever be again. How can anyone be happy knowing they ruined the best thing they’ve ever had?”

”Dean, why are blaming yourself?”

”Because I don’t want you to blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault, Ketch did all of thing to you, but I am mad that you never told me! Still I should’ve noticed”

”It wasn’t your job to notice”

”I’m your husband-“, he stops and corrects himself, “I _was_ your husband, of course it was my job to notice. I failed _you_ , Cas, I failed you in the worst possible way. I’m so so sorry”, he stops at his knees in front of Castiel, he sounds like he is begging for forgiveness. 

“Ketch did this, to us, he ruined our marriage because he was so jealous at our happiness. He saw us and tore us apart, Dean”, he cradles his head in between his legs. 

Dean undoes his position of hold him into his arms. It’s the first time they had any physical touching in roughly four months,  it’s the best feeling in the world when the home like smell comes back to your senses. Their touch is soft and angelic, their pulse is accelerating because of similar reasons. Neither men want to let go even though they truly should, it’s morally wrong to think of your ex like this all over again. But Dean pulls away first, not because he has to but because he feels something touching his stomach. He looks down and sees Castiel’s stomach.

”Cas, are you- are you pregnant?”, he blurts our dumbfounded.

Castiel stands up from the bed and paces back and forth. To ignore the question he starts to procrastinate by cleaning up th small mess in the room. Dean sees and grabs at Cas’ wrist. 

“Dean, let go”

”Not until you tell me who that baby belongs to”

Castiel stares at his cold yet warm green eyes, he shakes his head, “I’m sorry, Dean, it’s not-“

That was all Dean needed to head before storming out the room. He left because hearing the rest of the sentence just wouldn’t be the highlight of his day. He speeds down the stairs, pushes Sam out of his way as his brother tries to get in front of him. He uses excessive force opening and shutting the door, the car seemed to distance itself from Dean as he tried to walk closer to it. 

He didn’t know where he was driving, expect he knew he had to be somewhere, anywhere but inside that house. He just can’t be there. He starts the car and stays still because again, he has box lie where he is going. He says the bar, but really that never solves anything, he says the apartment but then says why be alone when that’s the last thing he should think of. He says Benny, and quickly drains him from memory, he says mom and dad, but why go cry to them? 

He needs to explode. 

With the thought comes Ketch. _The_  same Arthur Ketch that became his boss, invited him to dinner in numerous occasions, became a ‘yes’ man just to please him, then became a very good friend of his. Dean always thought of him as a good person, who always but other first, a loyal, trusting human being. Dean played his role as the blind husband, he played it well and it costed him his will to live. Ketch played his role as the psychopath, he played it so well that everyone fell for his tricks at every gathering. They all laughed at the jokes of a rapist, they all admired him for his organization and achievements, they applaud him and praised him. 

Everyone did so. Even Dean. Even Castiel. 

Castiel didn’t want to be the outcast and went along with every cheer and every laugh. And Dean he always heard that fake short laugh of his, he saw how almost immediately his smirk would turn into a straight line. Dean wasn’t as blind as he thought he was, he noticed but he just never bothered to ask what was wrong. 

Dean Winchester, never bothered to ask why he didn’t each as much, or why he didn’t want to be left alone. He always assumed it was his anxiety spiking up, and whenever he did think that, he would remind Cas to take his meds. Assuming it was all Castiel’s anxiety and not some external force, is Dean’s regret. 

He drives up into the inner city, he knows the streets well enough to know the traffic at every hour. And for once he’s thankful for the traffic, he isn’t rageful at the other cars for not speeding up at the yellow light. He sits patiently and thinks of what he will say or do. 

What do people really say at these situations? 

What do you ask? 

_Why did you rape my husband?_

_You won’t get away with this._

_You haven’t won yet._

_You’ve ruined everything!_

_I will press charges and I will end you!_

Do people actually say that kind of stuff, it all seems too cliche. 

He wishes to say that the long wait in the car ended his rage towards Ketch, but it only added on to it. He visualizes himself bashing Ketch’s head on the wall, maybe use a hammer and splatter his brain on his fur carpet. Torture sounds nice, easy quick death is what good men deserve and he far from that. 

He parks outside the mansion that is gated, he buzzed to hear from Ketch himself. And so he does.

”Ah! Mr. Winchester, odd seeing you at my residence. What can help you in?”, he sounds too cheerful for a rapist.

”Um I have some questions about next weeks meeting in Atlanta, I was hoping you could give me more details”, Dean cringes at his lie, he knows it is the most awful lie he has ever told. And after a long silence he knows Ketch knows it too. 

But then, “Of course, Dean, come right in”, the gate opens. 

Dean huffs and marches up to the front door thanking every god in existence for working a small miracle. Before he walks up to the front of the door he knows he should act smart not like an animal. He brings out his phone and turns on a recording device, and put it on his chest pocket of his leather, dark brown jacket. 

He sees Ketch standing on the steps of his house, wearing black sunglasss, with a theee piece suit in the middle of the day. He smirks at Dean like a child would at vegetables. 

“Dean, what a pleasure”, his tone contrasting his facial features.

“Cannot say the same, but since you are my boss I have to be nice, don’t I?”, he copies the same tone. 

Ketch nods forcing a smile. “Ha- well, shall we go inside and talk about Atlanta”

”Yes”

Dean has been to his house on occasions, mostly for business. He always wanted to host parties to show off what others didn’t have. Dean sees that now. They walk to his office and Dean takes a seat on one of his white leather chairs, Ketch takes one on his desk. 

“Shall we cut what Americans say as the ‘crap’ and be honest with ourselves. You are not here about Atlanta, you’ve known about Atlanta for two weeks before anyone else. Also, why come to my house to talk when you prefer to text as you cannot stand being in the same room as me. So let’s get down to business, Dean, why are you here and should I fear for my life?”

Dean's face and composure is same. He does not move or react to Ketch’s words. He just listens, something he hasn’t been able to do all day until recently. 

“You’re right about everything you said, I didn’t come here about Atlanta, and no you should not fear for your life. I just came here to talk to you, man to man about right and wrong. You know, morals , that kind of fun stuff.”, he smiles. 

“And what kind of fun stuff are we talking about? I’m betting on the fact that your husband and me were a thing behind your back. And maybe that you can’t seem to let that go, you really should Dean, it is not healthy to keep all that nasty emotions inside.”

Dean's fist hardened but tells himself to relax and stay composed. 

“I came to talk the truth with you, because apparently the truth was kept from me. Which caused my marriage to go to shit, and it is all your fault. So why’d you do it, Ketch, why’d you hurt him?”, his voice broke. 

Ketch frowned, “Do what?”

Dean scoffs, “Why did you hurt my husband? No more lies, I’m done with them. So tell me now, why did you hurt him?”, he says with a rougher tone. 

“Dean, what me and your husband had was consensual. I never hurt him and he never hurt me. That is the truth you are seeking. If Castiel is starting to make up these lies just so he could gain you back, then he was never good for you. I did you a favor, I revealed your husbands real intentions”

”Ketch!”, he slams both is his fists on the desk, “Enough, enough of your crap. Tell me and tell me now! Why did you do it? What did he ever do to you, for him to deserve what you did to him?! Castiel, has always been a good man and he would never hurt anyone. Specially not me, I was his husband that loved him and _you_ -“, he rose from his seat to stand next to Ketch’s seat, “you took him from me. You destroyed him and it is all your fault. You took my happiness, my only shot at something beautiful with someone, and for what? To feed your sadistic needs. Is that why you choose him, because he seemed to happy for your liking? Tell me!”, he gets a hold of the coat and lifts him from his chair. 

Ketch at first is startled but laughs still as if all of this was a joke to him. It probably is. “You wanna know why I choose him, Dean?”, he leans closer to Dean, too close for his liking. He almost want to push Ketch away when he sees him eye his lips hungrily. But he knows he is so close to getting the factual truth, he cannot let his emotions get in the way even more. 

“Because I knew he was an easy target. I immediately sensed it when I first saw him, he was very timid barely gave me a glance. I knew he was perfect, he responded so well every time really. And then before I knew it, he started to flinch and then came the begging for me to stop. That’s when I knew I was right about him, he was weak and still is. He lets himself be walked all over and never says a word, I’m actually surprised he told you. Didn’t think he was that strong, to be perfectly honest I would’ve thought he’d killed himself and that abomination by now”, he sickly laughs and throws his head back. 

Dean growls and throws his back it’ll his chair.

”You know?!”

His laughing continues, “Of course I know, I notice a little dump last time we had a little ‘chat’. Just like I know you are recording our conversation right now”

Dean freezes and his body runs cold, his knees feel like jelly. He gulps and shakes his head all too late. 

“Oh please Dean, you honestly believe I didn’t see that little detail”, he stands and picks the phone out of Dean’s breast pocket. He pauses the recording but doesn’t delete it. He drops the phone on his desk and glances back at Dean. With his finger he tilts Dean’s head as he gets inches closer, he could smell the cologne along with anticipation of his next move. He drops a small kiss on his non compliant lips. 

“Don’t you dare. Get away from me you psychopath”, Dean pushes him away only for his wrist to be caught.

”Now, now, Dean, don’t be like silly ol’ Castiel. You love to be taken”, he smashes their lips together, “the only way for you to get out with that phone is by doing something for me”, he gives Dean a hungry look.

Dean shakily gulps and says, “No, I’m not going to let you dominate me like this. I will not let you”

”Oh yes you will, you see, you need that recording for Castiel so he could later on press charges against me. You wouldn’t risk it, now would you?”

Dean frowns, “Why would you want a rape accusation against you?”

”Well simply because it doesn’t matter how much evidence you have, I will win in the end”, he laughs with no empathy. 

“You son of a bitch!”

”Yes, Yes she was”, he giggles and nods to the door, “How about we act our age and get to bed?”

 

Sam and Sarah don’t bother chasing after Dean, they are done with chasing a man who doesn’t want to be chased. They check up on Castiel and see him caressing his stomach gently with his finger. Sarah smiles. 

“Me and Sam have been thinking so much about your offer”, she says as she too places her hands on his stomach. She rubs the stomach gently, scared she might hurt the baby. “We have an answer, but just don’t think you are in the right mind as of right now to be giving up your baby. I get it, Cas, it’s not just your baby, it’s his too, seeing the baby will be too painful, but can’t-“

”I can’t. I can’t seem to love it Sarah, I just can’t. It’s too difficult. This _thing_ inside me- I hate it. I feel sorry for it, it has no one to love it, and it hasn’t been born yet”

” _She_ does have someone who loves her, it’s not her fault Cas-“

”I know it’s her fault but I just can’t keep her. So do you want it or not? I need to know now, Sarah, I need to contact adoption agencies soon”, he gets frustrated. 

“Cas, it’s not an easy choice. Having a child is a big responsibility”

”And you think I had a choice! Sarah, all of this is hard enough as it is, I don’t need a constant reminder of it calling me ‘daddy’ for Christ sakes. I need your answer!”, he shoots glances at both Sam and Sarah. 

Speaking with their eyes, Sam nods as so does Sarah. “Yeah, we want to keep her, but Cas-“, Sam is cut off by Castiel.

”That’s all I need thank you”, he starts to walk out of his room to head into the shower. 

“Cas- are you sure giving us the baby is the right choice. You are going to see your child with another family, every single gathering, Christmas, Thanksgiving, maybe even birthdays. Are you ready to see a child that you carried, giving away to some other people”, Sam exaplained.

”You are not just some other people, Sam, I’m giving you my child because I trust you. And besides, it was never my child because I disowned her the minute I knew about her”, he harshly said as he closed the door on them. 

Sam closes his eyes and lets his head fall low, "I get why he would resent her, but doesn't even give his unborn daughter a chance"

"You have to understand him, we both do. I'm just scared that when she does arrive he'll take back everything he said and wont give her up", she rests her head on his chest, she too closes her eyes and gives in to Sam's comforting eyes.

"Me too, Sarah, me too. Let's just hope for the best outcome"

They hold hands as they both sit down on the sofa, they turn on the television and cuddle. They hear Cas step out of the shower and what seems him going back to his room, Sarah wants to go up there to have a decent talk with Cas. But there is never good time for anything.

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

"Have you message Dean, or has he explained himself yet?"

"You know the answer to half that question, and I don't think I'm going to bother with my brother anymore", Sam rubs his forehead in frustration.

Sarah turns her head in shock, "What?"

"Sarah, it's obvious that Dean doesn't want anything to do with Cas. My idiot of a brother is a stubborn, prejudice man who doesn't listen because he believes it's below him. He has hurt Cas way too many times for him to redeem himself, we are just wasting our time with a man like him"

"A man like him? You love your brother, Sam, I know you and Dean. And there is nothing that comes in between you both, I don't believe you. Not a word.", she shakes her head and eyes him up and down, seeing him as a stranger.

"I know that's how it always seems but I have to draw the line somewhere, Sarah", he explains.

All that Sarah does in nod her head, because it's the truth. There has to be a line on how far you could go with family, Sam loves his brother and he too believe that nothing could come in between them. But Castiel is family too. He became family not by blood, but through trust, something that the Winchester family honors.

Both Sam and Sarah turn their heads when they hear noise outside, Sarah checks the time on her phone and frowns. "Who can that be at this time?", she stands up and peaks out through the peephole. She doesn't see anyone, but she does continue to hear shuffling outside, sounds like a car being turned off and a door being closed. Sarah continues to frown, then sees a familiar grunt, Dean, she sighs in annoyance and opens the door before he could reach the front porch.

"What the hell do you want, Dean? No, you know what- You are not welcomed here anymore, get out!", she shoves Dean away from the house.

Dean could hear the obvious anger in her tone, he keeps his head down in defeat as he lets Sarah roughly shove him. "Sarah, this is technically still my house, so you are no one to tell me that I'm not welcomed into my own house"

"Well guess what, Dean, the other owner of this house, you know the man who built it for you. Is up there in his guest room, probably feeling like shit because you are so self-centered. Can't you put someone else first before yourself for once, just this once, Dean- he needs you. Please- did you even listen to him, to his whole story"

"I heard enough to know who is responsible for everything that's happened. Listen, Sarah I'm really happy that Cas has you and Sam, but now he has me, I believe him and I brought more prove", Dean takes out his phone from his breast pocket and presents it to his small audience.

Sarah frowned wanting to knock down the phone from his hands, "Prove? What prove?"

Dean smiles  at the floor, "Can we talk outside, I'm freezing"

"Dean, its seventy degrees"

"Can I just come in, please?", Dean says with a little force.

"Okay, but one comment from you-"

"Yeah, yeah", Dean waved her off and walk back to the house.

He barely met Sam's eyes, he knew they weren't happy with him. At the moment no one is, but he has learned to live with it by now. He sees the house the same way he left it, the television was on and Dean could hear movement upstairs. He takes his first steps on the staircase when he knows Sam is the one grabbing gat his wrist, he winces and half growls at his brother. "Don't start with me, Sam", he warns.

"We are coming with you this time, I'm not doing the same mistake twice", Sam takes the lead up the stairs as so does Sarah, leaving Dean behind. They all sourly walk up and Sam is the one who knocks on Castiel's door. A small mumbled was heard from the other side, it couldn't be understood so Sam asked again if Dean could come in. Castiel answered very roughly 'yes'. Gently Dean squeezed himself first and went down on his knees towards Cas, who was sitting down on his bed. He didn't have any clothes on and his hair was still dripping wet, he was shivering so badly that everyone felt the same temperature as he did. His body was trembling like a newborn child, he held his head on his hands, rocking his body forth and backwards. 

Dean didn’t waste a second, he scatter around the room to look for his clothes. “No one touch him”, he ordered as he gathered Cas’ clothing. 

“Is it an attack?”, Sarah asked as she knelt down trying to get a good look at him, but that task was impossible. 

“Yes. Move, Sarah, I have to get him out of here”, he goes around Sarah to gently grabs his wrist. 

Cas shakes his head as he sniffles uncontrollably, “No, no, no”

Dean bends down to whisper into his ear, “Cas, it’s me- remember us, remember the good days. Castiel”, he inches Cas’ face away from his hands, “remember all those promises we made for each other. Remember all of it, you don’t need to be scared, you’re okay”

”No, I’m not”, Cas mumbles. 

“Don’t think like that, one little step back doesn’t mean you’re not okay. Just remember all of the good days, the days you called ‘the hopeful days’.”

That seems to gather Castiel’s attention as he perks up and sees Dean with a smile. A small one, but the fear was deteriorating from him. 

“Hopeful days”, he kept repeating out loud in a small tender whisper that could only be heard by Dean. 

“Yeah, baby, that’s right”, he smiles, he takes advantage and picks up his arm to wrap it around his neck. Half carrying in the restroom, he sits him down on the toilet and attempts to close the door when a giant male foot stops that. 

“Sam, he doesn’t like people seeing him like this. He is not thinking straight at the moment, but he will remember who was around. So get your goddam foot out of the way before I chop it off”, he growls and slams the door when the foot vanishes. 

“Dean... I can’t breathe- I’m going to die”, he starts to break as he stands up and the towel falls down. 

“No, stop saying that. Take a seat”, he sits him down on the toilet seat again, but Castiel struggle out of his arms.

Dean knowing better let’s go of him and sees him crumbled down on the floor, holding his naked trembling body on the cold tile floor. He gulps down and stares at the clothing, he gets the boxer first and shows them to Cas. 

“Boxers, Cas, come on we can do it”, Dean says with little hype, he sits crisscross in front of him and reaches for Cas' ankles. He lifts them as high as he can to put each one inside the boxer, he could only get them below the knee, he tapped Cas. "Come on, Cas, I know you can hear me"

Cas gaps unevenly as he tries to gather his breath, he can't seem to stop shaking his head, at every touch he flinches. Everything is a problem, he hears Dean, but can't do what he wants, he can't. He runs his fingers across his hair and finds that he can't feel them, he checks for his fingers thinking that after so many attacks finally his fingers had fallen off. They can't fall off, he needs them to draw his designs. His nothing without his job. What would he do without fingers, he will be utterly useless, Dean will leave him for good. Does he even want him back? He's nothing without Dean, he does nothing productive without Dean. Sam and Sarah have been babying him for the last months, how could Dean stand it for so long. No wonder he took off at the first chance he got.

His breathing because hazardous that Dean had to take precautions and take him into his arms. He forcibly uncurled him and wrapped him with a warm towel, he held one arm around his trembling, warm, sweaty body and another arm around his wet, dark hair. He kept saying to remember the good days, the days were it was just them and no one else, when they would take off in the Impala and stop at a random city for the heck of it. Castiel always called them the hopeful days, Dean after all these years understands why he called them that.

Maybe there is hope. Maybe not. But that's why they are called hopeful.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean knows what’s waiting out there for him, two angry, nosy people on the other side of the door. He can feel their inpatients, but doesn’t care about that problem. Because really they aren’t a problem, or a priority, they are just in the way. He wants them out of the damn house, it doesn’t feel great when you have people who aren’t your fans inside your own house. But he doesn’t say anything or do anything, they don’t matter, Castiel and that baby do. 

There’s silence is the room, words wanted to be spoken but somehow they never were. Castiel has thoughts he wanted to express, Dean wanted to express his apology one thousand times more. It would get caught up in their head, words scramble around their heads like a puzzle, because of that sentences weren’t formed, and mouth kept stuttering or gaping. Dean takes out his cell phone and shows it to Cas. Castiel looks at the phone in angry confusion, “What? Are you trying to show me that after all this time you do have a phone to see my long lost texts”, Castiel angrily took the phone and smashed it to the floor where now it had on obvious crack the screen. 

Dean didn’t flinch, his body and mind where motionless, he just stared at the phone that carried all the prove in the world that Castiel is the most innocent of all victims. He didn’t lie, he didn’t cheat, he didn’t want it, and yet all the blame was handed to Castiel. 

“I didn’t leave because of the baby- it was wrong of me to leave you like that- again, but I was filled with this anger. It’s eating me, Cas. That baby- The baby is his and not mine”, he sniffles out a painful laugh, “We’ve been trying since our honeymoon and it’s- it’s him that gets you knocked up. I don’t know how you feel about the kid, but I’m pretty sure your excited, right?”

Castiel shakes his head, “Quite the opposite- I despise this thing”, Castiel points to his growing stomach. 

Dean is left wide eye by the comment, “What? But you always- oh”, he closes his mouth at his realization oh his thoughts. The child growing inside him is also his rapists child, understandably no one would want to keep those children. 

“Yeah, I’m not going to keep a child I can’t even seem to like, nevertheless love. So, I suggested Sam and Sarah to become her parents, and they are really pretty much on board”

”They want your rape baby? I don’t really think that’s a good idea, Cas, you’re alwaya going to see it- her- and that wouldn’t be healthy for either of you. She’s going to find out her birth parents weren’t so distant. Cas, why don’t you abort it if you hate her so much?”

”It’s too late, Dean, and don’t you think I haven’t thought of that, all of it. Abortion was a choice, but every time I wanted to step in the clinic I couldn’t, it was too hard. And now I don’t have a choice it’s either adoption or the system, and I’m not that cruel to send it to the system. Sam and Sarah are my best suggestion, I know them, I trust them, they are good people and they don’t see her how we do. They don’t see a ‘rape baby’, they just see a child, who hasn’t been born yet and already is unloved. They think I’m going to go back on my word when I see her, but they are wrong! I don’t want her, I want her out of me already, I can’t do this for another five months, Dean. I need help.”

”You have help, Cas. Me, Sam, and Sarah , we are all the help you will need”, Dean took a hold of his shoulder  and squeezed it, “trust me. We belive you, _I_  believe you.”

Castiel nodded and threw himself in Dean’s arms, his arms wrapped around his neck and nose nested below Dean’s ear. It was a brief moment because Cas scented _his_ cologne. He pushed Dean back and eyes him up and down, his heart against his chest as his thoughts raced too quickly. 

“Cas, what is it? Breathe for me, you don’t want another attack on the same day”

But Castiel ears numbed our Dean’s words and ignored them, “Why do you smell like him, I smelled it earlier but i thought that was just my attack playing with me. But I can smell it clear on you- where you with him today?”

Dean is no fool, he knows exactly who ‘him’ is. But now he has a dilemma, does he lie and create a mess or does he say the truth and create another big mess. Either of his choices will land him in a bitter fight, there is no win or loose for Dean. To convince  as if the truth that happened earlier this afternoon, will be what Castiel has been trying to do the last four months. So then what does the righteous man do, lie or tell the truth? He will not tell the truth, he will explain the truth. A ‘yes’ in the beginning of the sentence will drive a pregnant man out the door. 

“After I left the house, at first I didn’t know what I was doing, I was threw I had to somewhere. And after some thinking, I decided that going to Ketch’s was a good decision. I still think it was a good move from my part.”

”Okay, but that still doesn’t explain why you smell like him. What did you do, Dean?”, Castiel crosses hai arms expecting an answer. 

Dean gulped and took a necessary pause, “I had to do something to get something back”, he dryly said avoiding eye contact. 

Castiel is all too familiar to that shameful look. “What did you do, Dean?”, he got a hold of Dean’s hand. 

“Nothing, nothing important, the only thing that is important is that I have more prove to help out your case against Ketch”, Dean shook his tense position and went to reach for his cracked phone that still lying on the floor. He unlocked it and went to recordings, Dean made sure to cut out the last part of the conversation. No one needs to know more than they should. He played the recording and sat it on the night stand next to Castiel. It played and as it did, Dean watched Castiel's facial expressions. He tried his best not to show what he was truly feeling and thinking.

”Dean, Dean- this is more than what I can ask for. You did it! You caught him him affairming to what he did. How can I repay you?”, Castiel grasped the phone tightly after the whole recording rolled. 

“You can press charges against him and win, I want to see that son of a bitch rot in prison almost as you do”

”Trust me, no one wants to see that asshole burn as much as I do”

 

Castiel sends Sam and Sarah home. He wanted the house to feel like home again. Him and Dean only. Seeing him home makes it seem as if everything is going perfectly fine. Dean is in the kitchen cooking them both a nice meal, seeing him cook anything else beside burgers is odd but Cas doesn’t complain. Dean calls him over to the dinner table and Cas finds it already set up with two plates serve with mounts of food. 

“This is very nice of you”

”Please don’t say it as if your actually surprised”

”Well I’m not actually surprised it’s just that with all that has been happening”, he shrugs. 

“Yeah, I understand perfectly. I just thought you like some dinner after a long day”, he says as he sits down. 

“It look wonderful. Thank you, Dean”

In another wonderful, perfect world, this would’ve been the part were Cas kisses him on the mouth and they stare lovingly at each other eyes. But instead in this word is filled with silence. Cas wants to talk but not ruin dinner, his topic will surely not go along with Dean’s stomach. He waits until he sees Dean half way done with his food to talk. 

“Dean- I want you to know that I am deeply grateful for what you have done today. I deeply appreciate it. You literally just helped me build up an entire case against him. But- I feel like you are lying to me- and don’t bother add on to your lie, you know I can tell when you are lying”

Dean dreads how well Cas knows him, but he can’t blame him. He hasn’t been himself since he came back from Ketch’s home. He got a minor taste of what Castiel went through, he’s fine, he has to ignore it because it wasn’t as bad. He got away safe and sound with the recording, what more can he ask?

”What do you mean?”

”Dean, please don’t act like you don’t know. What happened? I won’t get mad, I won’t say anything, I won’t do anything. Please be honest”

”Cas, I don’t know what to say to you because I have no idea what you are talking about. Nothing happened, I’m not lying. So just get off my ass”, his tone was sharp. 

“Dean-“, his tone sounded irritated.

”Cas, enough!”, he slammed his first on the table. 

Castiel rose from his table and exited the dinning room, Dean didn’t get a look where he went. He settled back to his seat and closed his eyes to see the images of earlier that day. He can’t describe them, they were his dirty little secret. And even though he knows he wasn’t asking to be touched, he feels like that opened a door for Ketch as fresh near. He was disgusting at every touch, his cologne is still fresh as his nose because Cas was right, he smelled still of him. He cleaned up in the kitchen and sent a Castiel saying he was going back to his apartment to take a shower. He drove to his apartment and saw that Castiel asked him if he was coming back. 

**Dean: _Do you want me back?_**

**Cas: _I don’t really feel safe alone in the house anymore. But if you are busy, it’s okay I can call back Sam or Sarah._**

**Dean: _No! I’ll take a very shower and head back to the house. You won’t even notice I’m gone, just lock all the windows and door and close the curtains and stay upstairs._**

**Cas: _Thank you so much, Dean. See you when you come back, text me when you get here._**

Dean didn't want to waste time he could be spending with Cas, but the shower felt so good. He didn't have to correct it to the right temperature, the water was luke warm, felt just right on his skin. He crumbles on the floor for no reason, with his eyes closed and head bowed down, he reflects on how he has to make it better. Not for him, not for the hope that Castiel _might_ take him back, not for the desire to kiss him just once more, but for him. No more lies. But- in a way it is also a secret, Dean's secret. He has never kept anything from Cas, but he wont know. He can't and will not know. It's a dreadful business, keeping a secret from the person you are trying to convince they can be redeemed. He got dressed and packed a small duffle bag for the next morning, he drove back to the house to find all windows closed and curtains covering them. He sends Cas a text massage to open the door, within the minute he opens the door wide and lets him in.

"You didn't have anything planned right?", Cas asks with a little tone scared he had ruined his planned evening.

"No- no, I don't go out as much as I do anymore", he confirms laying his bag on the sofa.

"Oh- well do you want me to order something and we can put on a movie?", Cas suggested grabbing the cell phone from his pocket.

"Sounds like a plan", he grins and checks out the movie selection next to the TV, he has a desire to pick out Indiana Jones or binge watch all of the Scream movies.

Cas decided to order some pizza in from their favorite place, he's not picky on the movie, never has been. Dean choses the movie and Cas choses what they ear, neither of them object to each others choices. After making some hard decisions, Dean concludes they will be watching Netflix, he would just choose the first movie Dean sees. With no objections. They both sit down on either side of the couch, facing directly at the screen. Cas covers himself with a thin blanket, feeling insecure with his belly so expose, he tries to pretend that the belly isn't there and that tonight it's just him and Dean. Nothing else, nobody else. Dean notices even with Castiel's best attempts to not make it so obvious.

"Cas, how you been? You know with the baby and everything", he awkwardly start conversation.

"Didn't we have a whole conversation just this afternoon about it", Cas says with no bitter in his tone but by his words, he does not want to talk about anything of that sort.

"Right- right, sorry", Dean clicks play and silence takes over them as the movie begins. The doorbell interrupts them and Dean is first to stand up nudging Cas to sir back down.

"The twenty is in the small table next to the keys", Cas informs and directs Dean.

Dean finds the bill but ignores it taking out his wallet, he thanks the delivery girl and sets the pizza on the coffee table. Dean settles back down to the movie as so does Cas, and the silence wasn't even odd, it was comfortable. Not to Dean's surprise, Castiel dosed off on his shoulder, Dean wrapped the rest of the blanket around him. Dean finished two other movies and the rest of the pizza, Cas never woke up, he snored peacefully and quietly. He didn't want to move his spot and he didn't, Dean laid his head on Castiel's. Neither of the, noticed that Dean sat closer.

The next morning they woke up with their arms wrapped around each other, the sound of Castiel's alarm woke both them up. Cas turned it off, as Dean cleared his throat unwrapping his arm around him. Cas had just realize their position and stood up as quick, he rubbed his face and said good morning.

"Morning", Dean noticed Cas' silence, "Listen, Cas, I don't know how we got so close last night, but I swear I didn't do anything-"

"Dean", Cas turned around, "I'm not going to go around accusing every man that touches me funny of rape", he walks off to the staircases.

"I didn't imply that- Cas, I just wanted to make sure you-"

"That I wasn't going to overreact"

"Cas, now you know damn well I wasn't going to say that"

"No, Dean, I don't", Cas starts taking out clothes from his closet.

Dean stares at him in agape, "So what? Now you're going to pretend you don't me as well as you know you do. What kind of sick game are you playing at?"

Castiel turns around quick to respond, "Game! Game?! None of this is a game, Dean. Don't ever think it's a game. You turned your back on me when I needed you the most, you didn't talk to me, you didn't want to see me, you couldn't even answer my messages. I'm so fucking sorry your feeling got hurt if I moved away from you too soon, I told you Dean! Me forgiving you is hard, I don't know if I can!", he moved closed in his face with such anger, Dean began to shrink.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me, Cas, I just want you to be okay. I don't want bad blood with you anymore, I-I just want you back"

Castiel scoffed, "The Castiel that you once loved is never coming back, Dean", Castiel cold heartedly grabbed his clothes and walked pass Dean.

Dean posture fell, his stomach sank down to his knees, his eyes and throat were scratching him. But he held back. "The Castiel I still love is still here, standing right in front of me, staring right at me. But he is fighting the big fight to find himself again, and let me tell you, he will win. Because I have known this man for almost half my life, and he knows me better than my own mother. He's lost and confused and he's scared, I just want him to know that I still love him. That's never gonna change. He will come back, he was never gone to begin with", he turned to grip his wrist and spin him around.

Castiel stared at him and he took in the words, what could he say? Words are not enough sometimes. Silence was all he could give. He nods and walks away to the restroom. Leaving Dean to his own thoughts. But he doesn't give up. "Cas- stop, wait"

Cas sighs and slams the restroom door open, "What?!"

"Are you still in love with me?", he gulps and sees that Cas does too, "No lies, remember?"

Cas laughs, "Fuck you, Dean"

 


End file.
